We are the earth intruders, muddy with twigs and branches . . .

Song that almost robs Digable Planets of its jazz/rap swagger:

Paris, Tokyo - Lupe Fiasco

http://www.zshare.net/audio/9747619646a45b/

Best song to get angry to:

Institutionalized - Senses Fail (Suicidal Tendencies cover)

http://www.zshare.net/audio/9747815720742e/

Weirdest Animal Collective tracks:

We Tigers

http://www.zshare.net/audio/974808637bce12/

The Purple Bottle

http://www.zshare.net/audio/9748439cbbfaf1/

Chores

http://www.zshare.net/audio/9748579f6c9244/

Best song from indie rock poster kids Vampire Weekend:

Mansard Roof

http://www.zshare.net/audio/9749160bc8c7b8/

Slept-on neo-soulsters who must rise!

Dream - Alice Smith

http://www.zshare.net/audio/9749509a79a089/

Andromeda & The Milky Way - Meshell Ndegeocello

http://www.zshare.net/audio/974962601cb111/

Stray Away - The Rebirth

http://www.zshare.net/audio/97498162c63d6e/

Adolescent Blues - Jazzyfatnastees

http://www.zshare.net/audio/9750000543714c/

Bring It On - N'dea Davenport

http://www.zshare.net/audio/97501844c0c7cc/

Dream On, Dreamer - The Brand New Heavies (N'dea Davenport is part of the band)

http://www.zshare.net/audio/97506130d670f7/

Catchiest motherfucking song EVER:

Nine In The Afternoon - Panic! At The Disco

http://www.zshare.net/audio/975069739fb7e6/

 

 

 

Airy, almost trance-like, yet funky and unabashed, the much slept-on Meshell Ndegeocello hits it right on her 2007 work, The World Has Made Me The Man Of My Dreams. Dripping with mild eccentricity, chock full of references to space, (and one to suicide), she is definitely a thoughtful artist. R&B heads, pick this one up and pluck it in your collection. She's one neo-soul goddess that we need to know more about.

In other words, SHE RAW AS HELL!!! :)

Only listen to bands like Scary Kids Scaring Kids and Underoath, but want to broaden your music horizon? Try some R&B. Downloads are below.

Haditha

http://www.zshare.net/audio/9744742a0433b9/

The Sloganeer: Paradise

http://www.zshare.net/audio/9744907d03ff51/

Evolution

http://www.zshare.net/audio/9745029faa2557/

Virgo

http://www.zshare.net/audio/97451906729db8/

Lovely Lovely

http://www.zshare.net/audio/97453466ba626e/

Elliptical

http://www.zshare.net/audio/974547852f4990/

Shirk

http://www.zshare.net/audio/97456285d3d864/

Article 3

http://www.zshare.net/audio/974576528ded52/

Michelle Johnson

http://www.zshare.net/audio/9745910504765d/

Headline

http://www.zshare.net/audio/974611494a5464/

Solomon

http://www.zshare.net/audio/97463980779fdd/

Relief (A Stripper Classic)

http://www.zshare.net/audio/974652671e197c/

A Different Girl (Every Night)

http://www.zshare.net/audio/97467342437dc4/

Enjoy! :P

 

Last songs I heard?

Pumpkin Soup - Kate Nash

Into The Void - Nine Inch Nails

Planning on downloading?

AFI - decemberunderground

Mos Def - The New Danger

 

Heavy - Great Vengeance And Furious Fire

I heard about Heavy on Buzznet. They were an artist of the day. As soon as I saw they were retro soul, I immediately clicked on the link!

Nothing on T.V. I'd turn to VH1 but stupid ass shows are on. I Know My Kid's A Star is followed by fucking Rock Of Love 2. *shudders* There's something about Bret that I can't stand. I hate that whole damn show. It's ridiculous. He seems like such a tool to me.

 

 

I love Audrey Kitching. She has the craziest style. She is her own person. :P Can't get enough of people like that. Now if only she'd let me raid her closet . . .

Chace Crawford is FUCKING SEXY. At the the top of my 'Sexy White Boys' list, he's numero uno. And even if he takes it up the ass--you've heard the J.C. Chasez rumors--I still love him. And the CW needs to do me a favor and move those Gossip Girl episodes to an earlier date. I MUST GET MY FIX!!!

Nine Inch Nails are so fucking raw. Trent Reznor is a genius. Seriously, I've been bumping Closer for a while.

So concludes my random ass thoughts. :P

So by now, we all know who the hell Soulja Boy is. Purveyor of meaningless, comical hip-hop. "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" rang through our ears forever, and now I think its safe to declare the damn dance dead. Next was "Yahh!" The stupidity ensued. Now we have another bring-us-down-further song. The name? "Report Card."

Soulja Boy got all F's on his report card and asked his teacher to throw some D's on it, a reference to the famous Rich Boy song. The thing that bothers me? This song glorifies stupidity! Look at the lyrics!

 

Sittin Up In The Classroom She Gettin On My Nerves,The Teacher Hollin Out Soulja Boy Do Yo Work.
She Talkin Bout Adjetives, Pronouns, And Verbs.
Im Knocked Out I Aint Here Nuthin The Class Heard.
Im Daydreamin Hard Bout That Stacks On Deck, I Dont Know How Im Gon Pass My Next Test.
I Got My Report Card Im Like Wut The Hell Is Dis.
I Took It Back To The Teacher Then I Told Her

[Chorus]

I Alwayz Be In School But I Be Walkin Halls.
Alot Of Teachers Give Me Test But They Be Super Hard I Get Into Some Trouble Then My Mama Calls
But Afta I Get Out The Office Ima Tell Em All Dat Ima Superstar And Thatz Best.
Everytime U See Me Up In Class My Head On That Desk.
And When U See Me On Dem Girls U Kno That Im Super Fresh.
Yea Teacher, Students, Class, Stupid (Wait A Min. Mutha Fuckaz)

See what I mean? He thinks its cool to sit in class and not give a damn about his work, knowing it isn't going to matter because he can make it being a trendy rapper, then has the nerve to be pissed when he's failing. Yeah, the song may be funny, but when you think about it, this is what we're preaching to black youth: It's COOL to be stupid. Black males, be a dipshit. The girls will flock.

I know I may be all pro-black right now, but its a fitting theme. This song just completely shows what's wrong with black folks today. One song. How? Hmm....

A) It's okay for you to be stupid.

B) You don't have to do your schoolwork because one day, you're gonna make it as a rapper!

C) Education, shmeducation!

D) Girls don't want a guy whose smart.

Yet, we always find time to blame white people for the many problems we have? We as black people manage to inflict a lot of damage to ourselves on our own.

"Dude, you owe me--" Andy checked his title deed card. "Ninety bucks."

Pete laughed into his arm, encased in an LRG hoodie. Pete and his hoodies. "That's it?" He laughed as he grabbed his play money and threw the measly ninety dollars at him.

Andy scoffed. "You better gimme my cash, dude." He counted the money.

"Fucking cheap-ass Baltic Avenue." Pete laughed as he handed the die to Andy. "So uh, where's the Joemeister?"

"Pimping girls. Last I heard, he bagged this hot Latina chick. He's getting around." Andy moved his race car to the Chance spot and picked up the orange card. "Hmm. Go back three spaces." Andy moved his token back three spaces and then landed on the Community Chest.

"Fuck, they're sending me off." Andy grabbed a Community Chest card. "Ah!" He yelled. He was to be imprisoned.

"Ha ha." Pete took a sip of his drink and set the glass down gently. He turned around to hear what was going on in the room behind him. Why? Because Ari and Patrick were in there. Right now, he heard nothing. Uh oh. What if they were making out? Or worse . . . what if they were doing it?

"Your turn, man!" Andy shoved the dice into Pete's hand, getting agitated by his lack of attention. Pete shook his head. "Sorry." He tossed the dice on the Monopoly board and looked. Snake eyes. He moved up two spaces on unclaimed property.

"So did I tell you about my plans? I thought it'd be cool if me, Gerard, and Mikey formed some awesome supergroup. Like Velvet Revolver. Only better."

Pete looked up at Andy. "Really?"

"I think I told you already." Andy shook his hair out of his face and reached for the die, but Pete's hand crushed Andy's.

"When was this?" Pete released his hand and allowed Andy to grab the die.

"Well, I dunno. I kinda had an epiphany. I was just walking along the sidewalk. Ya know. Da da da, and whatever, and I was like, hey, what can I do to make a name for myself? I can start a new band. A tiny side project. Like Patrick and his singing." The clang of the die hitting the board ensued Andy's words, then Andy moved his token up eleven spots, landing on Marvin Gardens.

Pete took a moment to process this crap. Not only did Andy want to start a group of his own, but Patrick was doing big things without FOB, and Pete? What was he doing, besides banging hot chicks? Well, Joe was doing the same thing, but no one put him in Star magazine for it. Pete seemed to slowly become the irrelevant part of FOB. Since Patrick was the underdog, he got big points. Why? Because he managed to get by on his talent alone, something rare in today's world, and because he was with the hottest chick in music. AJ. The genre-bender, fashionista, and open-minded, opinionated, hip-hop rockstar. The same exact girl that Pete would kill for. His slew of crap choices haunted him all the time. There was the disastrous time he had with Ashlee Simpson, then came Beyonce, who cheated on him Ray J, and now Kim Kardashian, who was a sweet girl, but who he really wasn't feeling. What the hell was he going to do?

"So what do you think about it?" Andy asked, sliding the die to him again.

Pete didn't want to think. He did enough of that. He had to think about the girlfriend choice, the people he was going to sign to Decaydance, and the new label he was forming. No more thinking.

"I think I need to go." Pete hopped off of the chair and left.

...........................................

"Why are you sitting all the way over there?" Patrick asked, looking at Ari, who was beyond fine in that little black-and-pink striped hoodie mini-dress she was sporting. She turned to see Patrick, who was looking at her.

"What?" Ari asked.

"Get your ass over here, ma!" Patrick beckoned for his girl to come closer.

Ari rolled her eyes and inched toward Patrick. She leaned into him. Man, he smelled good. And he was cuddly like a teddy bear. Her human teddy bear. She liked laying on him, because it was the equivalent to sleeping on a pillow.

"Don'tcha like this?" Patrick ran a hand through her sewn-in locks.

Ari nodded. "Yeah. This is nice." She snuggled into him.

Patrick hummed along to Kelis's "Sugar Honey Iced Tea," playing on the stereo.

Ari sucked her teeth. "Baby, whatchu know about Kelis?"

"Lots. What else is on here?" Patrick flipped through the songs. Justice's "D.A.N.C.E.," Soulja Boy's "I Got Me Some BAPEs," some M.I.A., and then, the intro to Aaliyah's song, "At Your Best."

"Keep it here! Keep it here. I love this song." Ari begged, watching Patrick drop the remote to the arm of the couch.

"When I feel what I feel, sometimes it's hard to tell you so," Ari sang, snapping to the rhythm.

"I totally love this song. Like, of all her material, this is the best." Patrick admired, bobbing his head ever so slightly."

Ari nodded. "Yup."

..............................................

"Hey, there's goes the pimp." Andy pointed out, noting Joe's arrival. Joe walked in, like a straight playa and flopped onto the couch. "Hey. Woulda come by earlier, but I had to get these girls off my dick."

Andy laughed hard. Joe pimping girls. Wow. Who would've thought?

"So where are your hoes?" Andy sat down and waited for the amusing anecdote.

"Well, they're doing whatever. I kinda like being a player. It has its benefits. Like Janine? She totally loves to go down. And this other girl Tara? She actually likes getting fucked in the ass."

Andy cracked up again. Pretty blunt conversation.

Joe pointed his thumb back. "If you want, I could hook you up. I mean, you should get over Jade. She was a bitch."

Andy nodded. "I know." He scratched his shoulder. Obviously a sore subject.

"Look, why don't you come with me to a club or something. The girls I don't want, I'll give to you."

Aww. Leftovers. What a true friend.

Andy shot Joe a menacing look. "Thanks, but no thanks." Andy stood up, getting ready to leave.

"It was just a joke, dude! Really. I'll let you have some of the pretty ones."

Andy looked back at Joe and shook his head. Joe stood up. "Wonder where Rick Ta Life is."

............................................

Joe walked into the room where Patrick and Ari were. Surprise, surprise. They were making out. He had to laugh seeing Patrick's hands grab hold of the mass that was her ass, though. She even had a leg swung onto his lap. Freaks!

"Hey, guys, I found them! They're fucking each other!"

Ari moved off of Patrick, straightening out her dress. Not classy to be caught, but romantic when it was on the sly! She stood up.

"Sorry about that, sweetie. I don't want anyone thinking you're a whore." Patrick apologized, wrapping his arms around Ari's waist.

"It's okay. I don't think she's a slut. I just think you guys are horny idiots." Joe shook his head.

"Look who talking!" Ari challenged. When Joe left, Pete came.

"Hey, you guys. Patrick, I need to talk to you."

"Alright." He followed Ari to the door. Again, he wrapped his arms around Ari as Pete spoke.

"You almost done recording the Cobra Starship album?"

Patrick nodded, kissing Ari's neck. Since when did he flirt in front of Pete? It was pissing him off.

"Well, I need to see you at a meeting for the new label."

"Sure thing, buddy." Patrick kept nibbling on Ari's neck and she giggled, trying to push Patrick off of her.

"Are you listening to me?" Pete asked, getting annoyed.

"I can listen to you and be in love at the same time. Ain't that right, baby?" Patrick joked, grasping his chick's waist.

Pete wanted to suckerpunch Patrick like he did that kid who grabbed him at a concert. Little fucking dork. Where the hell did he get off nabbing the hot girls?

"Uh. Look at that. I gotta go." He said, checking his watch. Patrick waved his 'bye' at Pete and Ari followed. "Bye, Wentz." Ari uttered. Pete watched as they left. Patrick gave Ari a big kiss and a hug and then he said he loved her.

"At your best, you are love, you're a positive motivating force within my life . . ." Aaliyah sang. Then Patrick opened the door and they left. Bullshit to the highest degree. That's what it was!

---

"I just . . . I dunno. I feel like I want him back. I mean, I know he treated me like garbage, but . . . I dunno." Ashlee whined to her sister Jessica. They were at the holy grail of rich white girl stores, Kitson.

Jessica scoffed as she picked up a Mara Hoffman tunic. "Ashlee, if you want him back, then tell him. Not that hard." She put the dress back on the rack and meticulously examined a cute little hoodie by Da Nang.

"But see, I think Pete is with that fat assed chick? The one who made a sex tape with that Ray J dude." Ashlee flung her blonde locks over her shoulder and eyed a plastic tote a few feet away from her.

"Ash, you're getting on my nerves. If you want Pete back, then get him back. Ask him if he's really in love with her."

Ashlee came back with the tote, eyeing it suspiciously, even though there was nothing to look at but plastic with a blue lining. She nodded. "You're right. But I dunno where he's gonna be."

"If I'm correct, he should be at some party for Island Def Jam. Some crap, I dunno, but he should be there."

Ashlee frowned. "Why?"

Jessica gave Ashlee a you're-so-stupid look. "Because that's the label he's on, dummy."

Ashlee rolled her eyes. "You're calling me a dummy?"

---

"I had an awesome time, Joe." The giggling blonde put her short True Religion miniskirt on over her black leggings, exiting the bed from which she and Joe shared.

Joe smiled and ran a hand through his newly straightened hair. "Anytime, Darline. Anytime."

Darline smiled and blew a kiss at Joe. With just a bra on and her tee crumpled in her hand, she left the room. Joe just lay back, maxing like a pimp.

In the bathroom, he heard a loud, "Shit!" seemingly reverberate through the walls. Joe threw back the covers and emerged--naked--to see what was going on.

"What is it?" Joe flung open the door to see a white-faced Tara in his bathroom--the girl he picked up at Hooters--holding a bottle of Aspirin.

"I spilled this on accident. Sorry. I got curious when I opened it up, and the bottle--"

Joe held a hand up. "It's okay." He smiled. Why was she making such a big deal out of spilled pills?

"I guess I should be going." Tara swung her hair back, grabbed a few loose pills from the sink, tossed them in the aspirin bottle, and gave Joe a quick but lustful kiss. She, too, was half-dressed.

"Joe!"

Joe turned around. Another minute, another ho.

"Yes, Janine?" Joe walked into the living room. Janine was preparing to leave, as well.

"Have you seen my cell?" She sifted through the haphazardly placed pillows on the couch she was searching through.

Joe frowned. "Stop messing up the pillows. Your phone is on the table behind you."

Janine rolled her eyes and turned around. Ta-da!

"You are such a lifesaver," She said, flipping her Slvr open to see if she had any new texts. After dropping it into her bag, she walked over to the base of the stairs and gave Joe a hug.

"Love seeing you naked, sweetie." She licked his cheek and Joe smiled.

"Anytime." Janine left the house, seemingly satisfied.

Joe smiled. Who said Pete had to have all the fun? Joe could be a pimp, too!

---

"Two soft pretzels, please." Andy waited on his anything-but-healthy treats as he stood at a pretzel cart. After he retrieved them, he paid the pretzel pusher and smiled. "Thank you."

Andy was walking the sidewalk, just enjoying his free time. He had yet another PETA convention to attend soon, and he was keen on getting in all the time he needed for himself.

After the unfortunate sex tape with him and his ex-girlfriend Jade, a budding indie actress, was leaked to the internet by Jade, Andy had become withdrawn. He shied away from women, fearing distrust, and tended to hang more with guys. In fact, he and fellow musician Gerard Way and his brother Mikey Way, began seeing each other more, becoming closer friends. They hung out at places and discovered new bands together, one of which was being considered by Pete Wentz, who was even thinking about developing a new label.

Andy watched all of the happy couples walk past. How sweet. Some were sharing ice cream licks, others were indulging in all-too-familiar PDA. Andy even though he heard a ringtone featuring John Legend's "Save Room." He loved that song when he was with Jade. Now it was just hurtful to him.

The band was heading back on tour soon, and Andy felt like he didn't accomplish much. Yes, he was the drummer in the all-too-recognized Fall Out Boy and a one-time indie film actor, but what else? What else could he do to make a name for himself and make people realize that he wasn't just the guy behind Joe, Patrick, and Pete at the concerts, who sometimes went shirtless? What could he do?

Andy pondered this as he passed a laundromat. What the hell could he possibly think of?

Hey. Lupe Fiasco, Kanye West, and Pharrell were supposed to do a supergroup type of thing. What if Andy decided to start one of his own?

---

"Ari, stop making a big deal out of nothing." Patrick flopped down onto the couch and watched his angry girlfriend walk into the kitchen and grab some Pizza Hut pizza from the night before.

Patrick took off his hat and tossed it. He ran a hand through his hair--that had finally grown back--and sucked his teeth. He rested his Ice Cream covered foot on the table in front of him. Ari was still working the kitchen, closing the blinds and turning on the faucet to wash her hands. Germophobe.

"Will you just stop tripping?" He asked, turning on the television.

"Stop tripping?" Ari angrily flipped the faucet handle back up and walked into the living room. "You pissed me off, Patrick!"

"At least you're calling me by my name." He turned to her.

"I ain't feelin' whatchu said. I really ain't," He unbuckled her Kippy's belt and slid it from the loops, contemplating whether or not to crack him in the head with it.

"I didn't say anything bad!" Patrick said, leaning forward, sick of her invective.

"You know what you said." She whirled on him, her sewn in locks fanning around her when she turned. "You said, 'I wish I could pull my fingers from this hair, but I can't.'" She mocked him, a frown still on her face.

"We said we'd joke about it. I joked about it, and now you're pissed. I thought we could be cool with it. Maybe you were just in a bad mood, but I thought we were totally cool on the racial difference. Please don't start, Ari. You're the one who even mentioned the fact that we have to be able to make fun of it if we're gonna survive as a couple." He stood up and walked to Ari, grabbing her hands. "Don't do this, baby. I love you, regardless of what the fuck kind of color you are. I don't care." He kissed her lips. Ari was softening like water would a cracker--no pun intended . . . maybe--and she smiled.

"Well, I was in a bad mood." She smiled and Patrick held her chin up. They kissed again, and Patrick let his hands fall to her hips.

"So what do you say we go have some fun on top of the pool table?" He had his tongue out at the thought of them doing it on the pool table.

"The pool table?" She questioned. What a weird--yet kinky--place to do it!

"Why not?" He smiled coyly and kissed her again.

Ari smiled. "Well let's get it!" She laughed and he carried her all the way to the pool room.

---

"I had a really great time, Peter. I don't think anyone has ever accepted me for who I am besides you." Kim gushed, her arms around Peter as they sat in the bubbling hot tub.

Pete nodded. "No problem. I mean, you're a great girl. Once you get past the . . . the sex tapes, and the big ass, and--"

Kim laughed out loud. "You're so funny." She playfully pushed him.

"So um, what we do next?" She stood up, displaying that ah-mazing figure she had. Wide hips, big booty, big breasts. Damn. Pete was definitely looking. Okay, so she had cellulite, but any girl with a booty as big hers would!

"I know you're looking." Kim turned her head around to see Pete staring at the mass that was her ass.

"I can't help it! Any guy would." He grabbed her and began making out with her. This felt good. This felt really good. It felt even better when Kim grabbed Pete's boxers and slid them off. Then it was amazing when he untied her bikini and they got to doing it.

It would've been really amazing. Except for one thing.

The whole time, he was thinking about Ari.

I don't usually sit down and look at shows like The O.C. I think it's like every other show about rich white kids getting into trouble and just being pretentious. But today, August 16th, 2007, I turned to it. (It was playing on SoapNet. Go, DishNetwork!) And I watched it and got into it.

I'm still shocked.

Okay, so here's what I can register from the first epsiode: Ryan is the broke one who ends up in Newport Harbor (I think) and his best friend is Seth, who's rich. Seth's father is cool with the poor boy being friends with rich guy. He likes Ryan because he's not like every other ostentatious, show-offy rich kid bragging about what car he drives. (Which is good.)

So then I see Marissa (Mischa Barton) run into two CIA guys? (One of whom is black, probably the only black person you will even see on the show.) So there's a big secret because her father is just shrugging it off. We know it's a big deal, but they didn't delve into it.

So then we get to Ryan being taught how to tie a tie by Seth's daddy. (Ryan looks like a mini Brad Pitt, by the way. So grown!) He's about to go a fashion show, but thinks it's pointless because "everyday is a fashion show to those people." So he goes. He locks eyes with Marissa a lot.

Then the show begins. I can't believe the mothers are going, "Oh, I wanted her to wear the Prada mary janes, but she chose the Manolo stilettos." O_o Please gag me. Rich people annoy me like that. They brag about everything they bought like there aren't starving kids in third world countries.

So then Marissa and her friend Summer (Rachel Bilson) are bragging because they stole liquor. More crap happens, yadda yadda, and then Ryan and Seth go to Summer's party. The drama ensues.

They're at the party. Ryan and Marissa are still playing eye-flirt, and then Seth walks in on three people having a threesome in the jacuzzi. He leaves, (before saying something witty) more stuff happens, then he see Summer (who he likes) all over Ryan. It's just a misunderstanding, however. Seth ain't buying it. They get into a mini fight and he tells Ryan to go back to wherever he came from. (Forgot the name of the town, but it must not be up to Newport standards.) The girl goes, "Eeew" at the thought of the 'poor' town. (Again, rich people get on my nerves.)

So after a while, Seth bumps into the guy who called him a fag, and they get into a fight (that Seth loses) and Ryan stands up for him. They both get their asses beat (Seth more than Ryan because Ryan got a punch in) and the thug of the O.C. goes, "Welcome to the O.C., bitch. This is how we do things around here.

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! No this white dude didn't just say that like a G! The O.C.? How gangsta is the O.C.? Real gangsta. Don't make him throw a latte at you, boy! Then you done fucked up!

So after all this, they go home. Ryan sees Marissa' 'friends' dump her ass by her house, knowing her dad will freak out, and then bounce. So wrong. Ryan, playing good guy, tries to find her keys in her purse, but doesn't. He takes her to his place (Aww!) and lays her down.

After this, we see that Seth's mother doesn't approve of Ryan. Seth's father does, however, and tells his wife that it's cool to hang with other people, besides living in the Newport bubble. (Tell 'em!) And then he takes Ryan home. When Ryan returns to his ghetto of a place, the house is EMPTY. Completely. Damn. So Seth's father tell's Ryan to come with him. End of episode. I can already tell he's gonna adopt Ryan.

I dunno. Maybe the show will be okay. But I do know that I was into it. Whatever. By the way, what the hell do Ben McKenzie, Rachel Bilson, and Mischa Barton do now? What, was their only acting venture in this show? O_o

Joe walked into the room and plopped down onto a chair. His new straight hairstyle had all the girls flocking to him. Maybe even more than Pete.

Ari frowned when she saw him. "Joe?" She got up and took a closer look. "Joseph Trohman?" She narrowed her eyes behind her glasses. "That's you?"

Joe took off his aviators. Cool ass. "Yes, ma'am." He smiled.

Ari placed a hand on her hip. "You got all that stuff shaved, I see. Wait a minute." She walked up to his head and ran her hands through it. "No Jewfro? What have you done to yourself?" Ari abruptly looked into Joe's face.

Joe laughed. "Relax. I'm the same Joe. Where is everyone, anyway?"

Ari hunched her shoulders. "No clue."

"Well, we could always hang. Whatcha wanna do?"

Ari smiled. "I wanna go shopping."

Joe sucked his teeth. "N-o, no. I hate going with girls who shop. It's the most boring thing ever. And they never seem to have anywhere for the guys to sit!"

Ari laughed. He had a point.

A few minutes later, Patrick and Andy walked in.

"Hey, Pete." Patrick said, slapping Joe's shoulder.

Joe fake-laughed. "Fat ass."

Patrick smiled. "You're so kind." He dropped his car keys onto the table and glanced at the T.V. Oh, look. Ari and Ricky's video was playing.

"Oh, man. Turn that shit off now!" Patrick closed his ears with his hands.

Andy laughed. "What's wrong with it?"

"It's been overplayed." Ari answered, checking her phone and tossing it back into her Louis.

"So um, where's you-know-who?" Joe popped open his phone and closed it.

"He's on a date with Kim." Andy answered, slipping into a different pair of Vans.

"So what are you doing? Or are you gonna be all alone as usual?" Andy asked Joe.

"Well, I got a date, too. At eight. Hey, that rhymes." Joe laughed to himself.

"Andy, whatchu finna do? I gotta go do something with this person." Ari pointed to Patrick.

Patrick sucked his teeth. "I have a name."

"And?" Ari looked at Andy.

Joe sucked in air through his teeth. "Snappy? You two arguing or something?"

"He pissed me off, and he knows what he did." Ari spat.

Patrick fired back. "Ari, get over that dumb shit already."

"Anyways," Ari ignored Patrick. "What are you doing?"

"Damage control for the sex tape. And then I'm gonna go to a PETA convention."

"I'm real sorry for that, Andy." Ari sympathized.

Andy shook his head. "Don't be. It's all over now, at least." Andy prepared to leave. "See you guys later." He left the room.

ROCK

Newcoming folk/rock/indie band Eisley's "Just Like We Do" from their album Room Noises.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=5GAYV3Z0

HIP-HOP

Rapper Soulja Boy's hit, "Joccin' On Yo Bitch Ass."

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=XQ92XWAT

R&B

Amy Winehouse's "Addicted" that didn't make the Back To Black cut.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=VCDBX61J

1. Are you excited that the book series known as Gossip Girl will become a television show, coming to the CW network this fall?

2. Don't you think Quietdrive's cover of Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time is one of the best covers in a while?

3. With Janet Jackson and Beyonce openly talking about their 'sexual' personalities, and T.I. putting out an album about the two beings within himself, (T.I. Vs. Tip) doesn't it make you wonder when schizophrenia become cool?

4. Okay, we know Hayley Williams of Paramore fame sings great on Misery Business and the lyrics are thoughtful and angsty, but didn't you pay more attention to the plot of the video than the song itself?

5. Are you anticipating Kelis's new album, Nebula?

6. Can't you just tell when Swizz Beatz produced something?

7. Judging by how Jim Jones's only hit single was We Fly High, are you surprised that he only jumps on remixes (i.e. 2 Step and Walk It Out) nowadays?

8. Could you make out any of the lyrics in Battles' song Atlas?

9. Don't you think Jennifer Holiday's performance on the BET Awards was a little . . . much?

10. Whatever happened to the all-girl band Lillix?

11. Seeing as he used to be a Disney Channel alum on the comedy hit Even Stevens, aren't you a little amazed that Shia LaBeouf transformed (no pun intened!) into a sought-after actor?

12. Now that we know that Jessica Biel has a booty, do you have hope for other white girls?

13. Don't Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon and Gabrille Union look somewhat alike?

14. Didn't 50 Cent overdo the gangsta on the July cover of VIBE?

15. Do you think Tony Parker, famed basketball player, is only get this much attention because he's with Eva Longoria?

16. Are you glad that Saaphyri won Charm School?

17. How many times did you play that Panic! At The Disco video of them playing a new song at Summerfest?

18. Will you be tuning into VH1's newest reality show, Rock Of Love, starring Bret Michaels of Poison fame?

19. Don't you think Mark Ronson is a damn good producer, with his funky beats and R&B spin on songs?

20. Do you ever think Nikka Costa (remember Like A Feather?) will return?

The continuation of 'The Hand Behind This Pen Relives A Failure Everyday. Enjoy!

---

"In love with an angel, she don't belong to me . . ." Patrick belted out Ne-Yo's song 'Angel' at the top of his lungs to warm up. In the studio, he paced around, snapping his fingers and singing, while Kanye West, who was producing him at the moment, blabbed on his phone about crap concerning the release of his new album, Graduation.

Patrick was gaining a lot of solo success. With Ari, the song that they recorded entitled 'Split Way' was a mega success. The sound of their voices harmonizing together was beautiful. An appearance on TRL, 106th & Park, The Sauce, and other media outlet shows is what the song gained them. People also speculated on their so-called 'friendship.' Photos of the two clubbing, hanging out, and even a picture of Patrick with his arms wrapped around Ari, looking at her with love (or lust) in his eyes had swayed everyone's opinion. 'The hip-hop dreamer,' as they called Ari had finally found her man.

Even Patrick's producing got him somewhere. Yung Joc, Alicia Keys, The Killers, and even Jay-Z got production credits from Patrick, all the songs he produced set to be hits. Now, he decided to go along with a semi-solo career and record a few tracks.

Kanye finally hung up his damn phone and said into the mic, "Okay. Shut the hell up and sing the song. Now I don't wantchu to hold back. Okay, Rick?"

Patrick nodded, setting down his water bottle. "Yeah." He cleared his throat and stood behind the mic.

"Alright. Remember. Don't . . . hold . . . back." Kanye nodded.

"Alright, man!" Patrick prepared to sing.

"Gimme more, I want you to stick with me, there's more in store, you can't ignore, what I feeeeeeeel . . ."

Kanye frowned. "Find it, Patrick! You all over the place. Sing stronger."

"WHAT I FEEEEEEL . . ."

"Find it!" Kanye yelled.

"WHAT I FEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYLLLLLLLL . . . "

"There we go. Keep it like that."

"You can't deny it, I want you to tryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ittttttttttttttttt . . ."

"Come on! You just had it! Find that black man in you! Let him out!"

"I said, I said, I said, tryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy itttttttttttttttttttt . . ."

Kanye laughed to himself. "Not like that, man! Come on. Sing stronger. You said you ain't never had a lesson, but I'm startin' to think you need one."

Patrick stopped singing. "I'm singing fine." He patted his chest.

"You got soul, but I think you still think you singin' rock. This is an R&B track. Okay?" Kanye nodded, hoping Patrick got it."

Patrick straightened his button-up collar. "Okay. Let's try it again."

After about eight more tries, Patrick nailed the song. Recorded!

---

"So we still on for tomorrow?" Kim slung her hair over her shoulders and stared at Pete, waiting for his response. God, he looked so cute with his emo haircut and red-and-black striped, tight-as-hell hoodie that he always managed to pull off, even though it looked like it was for girls.

Pete smiled. "Sure. Of course. I mean, we need to spend more time together. What else to fellow fuck-ups do?"

Kim laughed hard. So hard she closed her eyes. So beautiful. Pete wanted to grab her and kiss her right now, but at the moment, he was swearing off of relationships. What he had with Ms. Kardashian was nothing more than a friendship. A very good one. The tabloids could print whatever they wanted. Fuck them.

"Okay." She walked up to Pete and gave him a huge hug, her newly acquired Samantha Thavasa bag falling down to her wrist.

"Keep that chin up," Pete touched Kim's chin and she smiled again, her eyes gleaming like diamonds.

"Okay." As she walked away, she still looked at Pete. Then, she focused on getting her key out to get into her Escalade. Time to go.

Pete walked inside of his L.A. pad. He had some Sprinkles cupcakes left over in the fridge. He'd just grab one of those and peep what was on T.V. besides crap.

As lonely as it was to be here all alone, it felt kind of . . . good. Usually, he'd feel like a loser for not having a girl by his side, but all girls did to him was break his heart. It was weird. He invests time into a relationship and it failed. He barely cares about it, and the girl wants it to go on and on-i.e., Ashlee Simpson.

As soon as Mr. Wentz sat down on the couch and flipped the T.V. on, he could he Mo'Nique's distinct voice. Charm School. Boy, VH1 was sure as hell making money off that mess.

Pete took a big bite into a cupcake and unzipped his hoodie. He kicked off his Converse shoes and before he could even get comfortable, the phone rings. Andy.

"Hello?" He answered, mouth full. He licked the frosting from one of his fingers.

"Hey, man." Andy sounded so worried and angry.

"What is it? You sound like a wreck."

"It' because I am a wreck. Me and Jade are totally being exploited. We made a sex tape and it's been leaked all over the internet."

Pete frowned. "What? The fuck, I-"

"You're mad? I just don't get it! I mean, the house wasn't vandalized, and it's only that one tape that's gone. I'm so fucking mad, I just wanna punch something!"

"Did you ask Jade about it?"

"She's confused, too. I mean, in only a few seconds, we're these big porn pushers, and now people are gonna start criticizing us-"

"Don't worry about the haters. To fucking hell with him. Right now, we need to figure out what the hell is up with this. Something's not adding up. It just isn't. You say the house wasn't vandalized, only that one tape is missing, it's a big mystery."

Andy nodded. "Yeah. I can't think . . . hold on. I'll call you back."

Andy hung up.

---

"Wow." Joe looked at himself in the mirror.

"I know. I thought the same thing when you walked in." The gay guy shook his head like he'd seen a ghost and cleaned off his station.

Joe touched his face. No hair! No stubble! Nothing! He was bare. And his hair? Brendon Urie would be jealous. And if he got jealous, and Ryan Ross took note, they'd just be jealous together.

"I look like I'm in Panic! At The Disco." Joe ran a hand through his hair. It moved!

"You look better than them. God, if you were my type, I'd eat you up with spoon." The gay guy smiled and touched Joe's shoulder flirtily.

Joe laughed. "Thanks a lot, Roy. I feel like I needed this."

Roy nodded. "I'll accept the thanks for approximately $275. With tax."

Joe frowned.

"279. Pay up! Come on. Gimme money!"

He smiled and gave the guy his money. Roy held the bills up to his light and counted. "'Til we meet again, Mr. Trohman." He gave Joe a hug.

"See ya." Joe left the salon. A new look was exactly what he needed. After all the bullshit that'd gone down with Gina and his weed habit, he needed to quit the scruffiness and start going for being a fine ass. Not that he was trying to look like Pete, but as Sheryl Crow sings, a change will do you good.

"Omigod! Hottie alert!" A girl cooed, as she witnessed Joe's soulful strut down the sidewalk.

Joe nodded his head up.

"Wait, that's Joe from Fall Out Boy!" The girl said to her friend.

"Omigod, are you sure?"

"Yeah!"

"Let's go touch his hair!"

"Okay!"

---

Patrick was in the studio again. Second day. Boy, it felt good to work those pipes.

"I'ma be back. I gotta go take care of some business." Kanye said, making a dash to the door.

"You're gonna go smoke, aren't you?" Patrick asked.

"Hell yeah." Kanye deseperately replied, leaving.

Patrick took off his headphones and shook his head slowly. Kanye, Kanye, Kanye.

He turned to the door as soon as he saw a sexy, familiar someone enter the room.

"Hey, hey, hey." Ari said, closing it behind her.

"Hi, sweetie." Patrick got out of the booth and went right for her lips.

"What's up?" He asked, arms around her waist.

"Lotta shit. I just came by for a second so I could see you."

"Oh. That's so nice." He kissed her lips again.

It felt so good to have that thing out of the way. That 'thing' being sex. They finally had sex on a vacation to Anguilla, and it felt  . . . awesome. Great. Amazing. Lovely. And all other words for 'just fucking good.'

"So uh, do any songs yet?" She glanced at the recording booth.

"Yeah. I'm so good, it scares me." He smiled to himself.

"That's good, boo." Ari was about to walk somewhere else, but Patrick grabbed her.

"Come here." Patrick started kissing and sucking her neck. Ari laughed and moaned slowly. "Patrick, we can't do this now." She smiled as he bit her neck lightly.

"Okay, Dracula!" Ari tried to pry Patrick off her, but it wasn't working.

"I wanna fuck you so badly." Patrick whispered in her ear.

"Patrick, not now." She said, smiling. "Where's Kanye, anyway?"

"He went to go smoke a blunt. Could take forever. Come on." He lifted her shirt up slowly.

"Patrick!" Ari pulled her shirt back down. "Really. I wanna do this too, but not now. We could get caught."

Patrick smiled naughtily. "Whole point."

Ari sucked her teeth. "By Kanye?" She glared at Patrick to see if he understood it yet.

"Yeah. You're right. So let's do it in the booth." He grabbed her and took her to the booth. Everytime she tried to get away, Patrick-who was surprisingly strong-grabbed her back. He closed the door behind them.

"Baby, we can't do this now. Wait until later." Ari checked her watch while Patrick slid his hand underneath her shirt.

"Just gimme ten minutes. All I need." Patrick pleaded, his hands moving to her jeans.

"What if Kanye come back in ten minutes?" She asked. Although Ari was preaching that 'now now' stuff, she knew she wanted Patrick to tear that up like he did again and again.

Patrick looked at the door. "And the door doesn't lock, either." He hugged Ari to him and kissed her softly, over and over again.

"I know you think I'm a total hornball, but you're just so damn fine." He licked her neck up and Ari laughed.

"You act like I'm the saint. Let the record show that I initiated it the very first time." She zipped her jeans back up and straightened her shirt.

Patrick smiled. "Yeah. You did."

Two seconds of silence.

"Okay. Look, five minutes. That's-"

"Yes!" Patrick grabbed Ari and started making out with her furiously, then unzipped her jeans again. Ari unbuckled his belt and unzipped his jeans, as well.

"Shit! I hear something!" Ari shoved Patrick away and straightened herself out. She left the booth and grabbed her purse. A few seconds later, Kanye comes in.

"Hey, Ari." Kanye nodded up.

"Hey."

"Smoke that shit yet?" Patrick said into the mic.

Kanye shook his head. "I lef' it at home. Did y'all fuck while I was gone?" Kanye asked.

Ari laughed. "Almost," she wanted to say. "I'm just finna go. I stopped by to say 'hey.'" She walked back into the booth and gave Patrick a hug. She whispered in his ear. "We'll finish this later." Then she licked his ear and left.

"Bye, Kanye." She was gone.

"Okay, dude. From the top." Kanye stated, waiting for him to begin singing again.

---

Andy pressed his ear up against the door to Jade's room to listen in on her conversation. Before ending his conversation with Pete, he could've sworn he heard his girl talking about the sex tape. So he decided to check it out.

Careful not to make any noise, Andy opened the door slightly, just a crack. No response? Good. He listened closely to everything she was saying.

"Yeah. I know, it's so unfortunate. Well, that's what I'm gonna say. Supposed to say." Andy could hear Jade's hand sliding into a bag of chips and the faint sound of the T.V. on.

She giggled. "Yeah. Totally. But um, you saw it, right? Uh huh. Yeah. Explain? Okay." Andy heard the bed creaking as Jade sat upright.

"So um, me and Andy totally wanted some kink, and it was my idea to bring out the camera. So we did our thing a few times, and filled up the tape. I left it in the camera. At least, that's what he thinks. And um, I totally leaked it myself, because like, and indie film actress is so boring. And indie film actress with a sex tape? Exciting much? What about Andy?" Jade scoffed. "What about him? He'll be fine. Besides, I'm sure Pete will do something idiotic in the next few days that'll make what Andy did seem like child's play. Uh huh. Totally. Cold hard bitch?" She laughed out loud. "I'm just trying to get some money, here. My career hasn't even jumpstarted yet. Maybe Andy will reap some benefits too, like, not just being the guy who bangs on drums all day, shoved to the back, where no one can see him."

Andy was stunned. Floored. Mad. Ready to fuck her up-but she was a girl, so forget it. How could she do that? Why the hell would she be so mean as to play with their relationship? That bitch! That fucking bitch!

Andy pushed the door open. Jade said into her phone, "I'll call you back. Sure. Bye." She hung up. Andy could hear a few cameras going off outside and people asking, "Jade, are you here? Mr. Hurley, how do you feel about the sex tape?"

Andy stared Jade down. He was not happy.

"What, babe?" Jade asked.

"You know what. I heard what the fuck you were talking about. You rotten bitch."

Jade gasped. "Baby, I-"

"Don't gimme that baby shit! You fucking used me for fame?" Andy asked, pointing to himself.

"I didn't-"

"Yeah, well, you did!" He marched over to her laptop, Jade having the nerve to get mad at him as he did.

"Gimme my computer back, Andy!"

Andy walked to the window, opened it, and tossed it out, the Sony product shattering to pieces. Keyboard particles everywhere, screen detached from the whole thing.

"Andy! That fucking thing cost me eleven hundred bucks!" Jade screamed.

"Don't care!" He heard more paparazzi asking questions. "Andy! Was that your laptop?" "Jade, how do you feel about what Andy just did?"

"You get the fuck out!" Jade pointed to the stairs.

"Gladly. Better than this, you fucking piece of shit!" Andy prepared to pack up his things. Jade didn't do anything but give him dirty looks.

"The next time you decide to use someone, think of the repercussions, bitch."

"Call me a bitch again!" Jade yelled, getting furious.

"Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bi-" Jade smacked Andy across his face.

Andy, in return grabbed Jade and threw her on the bed. "When karma comes back to bite your ass, don't come running to me, princess." Andy grabbed his things and left. So much for that relationship.

---

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the finest of them all?" Joe said to himself as he looked in the mirror of his bathroom.

Clearly, the makeover was going to his head.

He fixed his newly straightened hair and pouted. "I am so sexy." He praised himself, in that oh-so-distinct nasal voice of his. Pete had his semi-Valley Girl voice in which he inflected sometimes (which gets really annoying really quick) and Joe had his nasal voice.

Joe's cell phone blared an Underoath ringtone and he quickly picked up. "Yello?"

"Hey, man." It was Andy.

"Hey, Andy. What's going on?" Joe sat down on the toilet lid and prepared to hear whatever Andy had to say.

"Have you watched E! lately?" Andy came right out with it.

"Huh?" Joe asked, playing with a feathering comb-probably Pete's.

"I had a sex tape with Jade. She leaked it onto the internet on purpose to get her some fame. She used me for fame." Andy scoffed. "I feel like such a loser."

Joe was stunned. "Andy, I . . . I didn't know, man."

"Don't be too worried." Andy was in his car, watching other vehicles speed by.

"So what are you gonna do? I mean, sex tapes aren't things you take lightly, know what I mean?" Joe asked, trying to stay as calm as Andy sounded.

"Well uh, I can't do anything but deal with it. Deal with the smart-asses who think we're all just walking publicity stunts. Deal with the reporters who try to make everything seem shittier than it is. Deal with it. Simple."

Joe nodded in understanding. "Well, if you ever need anything, you know I'm here, man."

Andy sucked his teeth. "Joe, stop being such a fag."

The two cracked up. Maybe everything would be okay, after all.

---

"And when I read it, they actually said I have amazing diction and I'm perfect for the part. So I got it! I am Tasha Redfield, the smart but understood college student with a boatload of secrets that she has to keep hidden." Kim smiled as she took a congratulatory sip of Cristal.

Pete rubbed her back. "That's great, hon. I'm really proud of you." Pete leaned over and kissed her cheek. Kim looked back at Pete with adoration in her eyes.

Pete shuffled his weight from one butt cheek to the other. "So um, my girlfriend, the former sex-tape star turned actress." He cut a piece of steak and shoved it into his mouth.

"Yeah." Kim looked down at her lap. "But um, I really wanna think they gave me the role based on how good I was, and not on my fame. I mean, being known for having sex with Ray J isn't exactly good, but what happened happened. Can't change it."

Pete nodded in understanding. "I get you. Like, I can't take back the fact that pics of my cock are all over the internet, but it's all over now. I can only apologize and get on with my life." Pete looked up. A beautiful-beyond-beautiful starry night. Perfect time to take a long stroll and talk.

"We should go for a walk after we're finished. Want to?" Pete asked, tapping Kim.

Kim nodded. "Sure."

....................................

"And then one time, she actually tried to hook me up with a guy who was already married and had two kids. I'm telling you, that bitch is hellbent on screwing with everyone!" Kim laughed to herself.

Pete shook his head. "Tell me about it. She's nothing but trouble."

"Yeah. I just glad that Ari girl kicked her ass. Everyone acts like Paris was the victim, but I know she started it. She always does."

Pete's stomach lurched when she mentioned Ari. It was obvious he had feelings for homegirl, but he couldn't. Supress, supress, supress!

"Isn't she on your label?" Kim asked, turning to Pete.

"Yeah. We're trying to diversify FBR." Pete explained, kicking a rock out of his way.

"She's awesome. I love her music." Kim rubbed her cold hands on her top.

"Here." Pete slid his jacket off and tossed it around Kim's feminine shoulders.

"Thanks." Kim smiled as they continued walking. She looked up. "It's so beautiful. I love starry skies. If I had it my way, I'd be able to fly into space and look at the nebulas and the galaxies and whatnot."

"Me, too. Why do you think we settled on that starry-skied theme for our album? And our quote? From the skies!"

"Say it again," Kim pleaded, tapping Pete. "I forget it. And I love it because's it's beautiful."

Pete cleared his throat and Kim laughed.

"Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. Then life seems almost enchanted after all." Pete looked back at Kim. "Okay? Now shut up!" He playfully pushed Kim, who smiled and pushed him back.

She took a deep sigh. "Oh, Pete. I have so much fun spending time with you."

"I have fun with you, too." He wrapped his arms around her as they both looked up.

"Be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high," Kim said under her breath. "Then life seems almost enchanted after all." Before she knew it, there was a shooting star.

"Oh my God." She pointed to the sky and then turned around to see Pete. "Shooting star."

Pete tapped Kim. "Make your wish."

"No. You make it. You deserve it."

"You saw it first." Pete advised, hands on her shoulders.

"Okay."

Kim thought for a moment, and then said, "I want to be with Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz the third."

Pete rubbed her shoulders and kissed her neck when he heard that. "Your wish is granted, babe."

Kim turned around. They leaned in slowly and then Kim wraped her arms around Pete and they kissed each other.

---

 

1. Do you think '80s group Cutting Crew is pleased that T-Pain sampled their song I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight?

2. Is it just me, or all the singles from Ne-Yo's second album just weak?

3. Are you anticipating the release of High School Musical 2?

4. Did the video for Queens Of The Stone Age's Sick Sick Sick make you Sick Sick Sick?

5. Were you even the least bit surprised when music video networks censored My Chemical Romance's song Teenagers for insinuating school violence? (I wasn't.)

6. What exactly was the message in newcoming band, Klaxons' video for Golden Skans?

7. Man, don't you agree that the lead singer of the R&B/pop group NLT sounds like Chris Brown?

8. Aren't you feeling Kanye West's Can't Tell Me Nothing mixtape?

9. Speaking of it, isn't Us Placers, with Lupe Fiasco and Pharrell, containing a sample from Thom Yorke's The Eraser, the best sample affiliated with Kanye since Through The Wire?

10. Don't you agree that Saul Williams, underground hip-hop artist extreme, should be exposed, with his raunchy, gritty, and truthful lyrics about the world today?

11. Don't you applaud The White Stripes' uniqueness? (By the way, the single, Icky Thump, is raw.)

12. Didn't the lead singer of Snow Patrol's accent really show on Signal Fire?

13. Don't you think Paris Hilton should stay her ass in jail for the full 45 days?

14. Are you going to purchase an iPhone?

15. Can you stand the wait for the new Panic! At The Disco album due next year?

16. Do you think it'll be interesting to see Kelis and Nas's rumored reality show?

17. So uh, Lily Allen used to give blow jobs in school?

18. Have you heard folk/pop singer Nicole Atkins' song Neptune City?

19. Have you resorted to downloading the new Degrassi episodes since The N is taking too damn long?

20. Whatever happened to Mariah Carey?

 

The continuation of "Why Don't You Just Drop Dead?" Enjoy!    

---

"This video is so raw! Look at that! I can't believe they were able to make me look that good." Ari looked at the screen to see the completed product of the video that she finally had with Patrick. It was titled Split Way, which was the song she and Patrick recorded in the studio when they were bored. It contained Patrick's beyond-awesome piano playing, their beautiful voices together, and a an amazing hip-hop/soul feel to it. In the video, Ari was sitting atop the piano Patrick played, and scenes reflected the two separately, and then together. Famed hip-hop director Bryan Barber directed it, although Alan Ferguson agreed to direct. He fell ill, and Bryan stepped in.

"Wow. That's fucking awesome. And I'm so glad the video is finished." Patrick laughed and stared at the screen as the cameras blacked out and the video ended.

Ari stepped off of the chair and walked over to Patrick. "Me, too." She kissed him quickly, seeing as no one else was around. They agreed to make sure that they didn't show any type of affection to each other-other than strictly platonic-so that nobody would meddle in their private lives, even though it was already rumored that the two were an item.

"So um, what do you wanna do now?" Patrick looked around to see if the set was still clear. Then, he grabbed her closer to him.

"How about that flight back to Illinois? I haven't been home in a while, and we only have three days-seventy-two hours!-to spend together. And we still haven't gotten around to that-" Ari shushed him because someone was coming. Ari left the room.

Patrick was still in the chair. Bryan walked up to him. "Dude, you can leave now. By the way, great job. I love yo voice, man." The two did a handshake, and Patrick nodded. "Thanks. Hope we can work together again sometime."

.................................

"So when is this thing gonna hit MTV?"

"Soon, hopefully. I mean, we wanna put it out ASAP." Patrick looked out of the window. Little blips, as far as he was concerned.

ASAP. Reminded her of T.I.

"Well, I want it to come out soon, too. I mean, it's a damn good song, and they gon' see you got a good voice."

"I still get nervous about it, though. Like, I worry that no one will like it or me. I mean-" Ari shushed him again.

"Baby, as soon as you start feeling insecure, you won't do what you said you was gonna do. So stop trippin' and relax." She ran her hand up and down his stomach. Patrick relaxed and kissed her hand. "You always know what to say." He smiled at her.

"I know." She smiled and they leaned in and kissed each other.

"I'm thinking sometime after you and FOB finish whatever y'all was doing. The vacation, that is."

Patrick nodded. "Okay."

They continued kissing.

---

"Andy is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He is just . . ." Jade sighed into the phone. She was sitting on top of her bed watching television in her cute pink knee-high socks, eating chocolate chip cookies, talking to her BFF Jennifer.

Jennifer laughed on the other end. "That good? How is he as an actor? Does he reek?"

Jade shook her head. "Not at all. In fact, production is going along pretty quick because Andy is a natural. He's made for indie flicks. And he is so cute!"

Jennifer laughed again. Before Jade could continue gushing over her drummer boyfriend, there were knocks at her door. "It's me, Jade!"

"Speak of that guy. Look, I'll call you back. I've gotta go. See ya." She made a kissy noise into the phone and then hung up. Then she pulled off her Hermes scarf and got up to greet Andy.

"Andrew!" Jade smiled when she saw the bouquet of flowers he was carrying.

"For my sweet, sexy baby." Andy kissed Jade and hugged her. Jade grabbed the flowers and sniffed them. "Thank you, Andy." She gushed over the flowers. "No one has ever sent me flowers before. That was really sweet of you." She was so touched.

Andy was proud to see how he could make Jade so sprung. The relationship bloomed over such a short period of time, but they were going strong ever since they met.

"So um, how's life been treating you guys?" After she set the flowers in a vase filled with water, she sat back on her bed. Andy took off his coat and dropped it to the floor.

"Uh, good I guess. Pete is still single. Joe is still a pothead and Patrick is still with his girlfriend."

Jade nodded. "What about Dirty? Please don't tell me he feasted on another deodorant." She smiled thinking about his crazy ass.

Andy laughed. "Well um, he's bumped up to guzzling perfume. It's really shocking."

Jade laughed out loud, falling over onto the bed. "He is so insane." She snuggled up against her comforters and then beckoned for Andy to joined her. He grabbed her and lay on top of her.

"We have filming tomorrow." She kissed Andy's thin lips.

"I know. Too bad there isn't a love scene. We'd rock." He kissed her sweetly.

"We could always create our own." Jade smirked and then left the bed.

"Where are you going?" Andy folded his arms, awaiting what freaky surprise Jade would have. Was she going to produce a video camera?

Indeed, she did. She got the tripod ready and everything. Homegirl must've had this planned.

"Well um, we could always use it to 'practice.'" She finger quotated 'practice.'

Andy's eyebrows shot up. "Wow, Jade. You are something else."

"But don'tcha love me for it?" She smiled as she set up the equipment.

Lights, camera, action!

---

A meeting with Clandestine Industries to discuss a brand new line of clothing that would be featured in retail stores. A meeting with Decaydance to see about a new emo band. A meeting with Fueled By Ramen to talk to their critically acclaimed and largely anticipated new group.

The new group was a black metal/hip-hop band. They called themselves Dem Crazy Niggas, but of course, since we live in a P.C. world and they had to be a little more subtle, they renamed themselves Dem Crazy Boyz. The music that they did was raw. No holds barred rock and hip-hop. Everything they did had a metal edge and the swagger of hip-hop. It was incredible. Think Black Sabbath meets Lil' Jon. The elements weren't too discordant, but were far from melodious, and if anybody thought that rock and hip-hop belonged separate, their opinions would shift when they heard them. The first single from the Southern-based quartet, Black Vacation, was blowing up FUSE and MTV like nobody's business.

All this aside, Pete was very stressed. His life was going downhill, to him. Ever since Beyonce left him for Ray J, a highly publicized media story ensued, and Pete became this big playa type that the media loved to hate. As if he didn't have enough flak for dating Ashlee Simpson, when he hooked up with Beyonce, a lot of people lost respect for him. Some even thought he only dated her to get black people to like Fall Out Boy, which wasn't even the case, because Patrick was rumored to be with Ari, but nobody pulled the 'get more black fans' card on him.

Sitting in his steaming hot jacuzzi, Pete pondered his life. Patrick's birthday came and went, and at 23, he was way more mature than a pushing-twenty Pete. Patrick even had the girl of his dreams. Pete was still screwing around with hoes and running loose like a kid in a candy store. He wanted love. True, pure, genuine love. And how would he find it? Hollywood seemed to be full of two-faced fakes who were one thing one day, and the next, you could hardly recognize them.

The thing that really pissed him off was that Patrick had the girl he wanted. As hard as Pete tried to get rid of the feelings he was having for Ari, it proved futile. Ari was the perfect girl for him. First of all, she was sexy, beautiful, and smart and sweet. Lots of girls who were sexy weren't smart, and the smart girls were ugly, but she was both. Very rare. And she was nice. Lots of sexy girls were bitches. Ari had this 'round-the-way girl quality to her, and it didn't hurt that she loved her some Caucasian men.

But why Patrick of all people? Man, he was such a dork. And they were so different. He was atheist while Ari was Christian. Of course, it was obvious that they were different races. Ari was a bit shorter than Patrick, but with stilettos on, she was taller. Patrick was the dorkiest, lily white person on the planet, and while Ari possessed 'whitewashed' aspects, she was still representing with her music and she spoke slang talk around people when in an informal situation. It was weird. It really was. And the thing that would bring them together eventually was the fact that they were doing a song together. And it would be big because they had both improved their voices, Patrick moreso than Ari. Patrick-whoo!-had gotten to this extremely soulful feel to his pipes that would make Arthur Conley jealous. And he knew Ari would be turned on by that shit, because she liked hearing white dudes that could sing their asses off.

"Fucking idiot." Pete said, not knowing if he was referring to himself or Patrick, but at the moment, feeling he was referring to himself.

---

Ari was chilling at a hot club in Miami with her new homies, Corinne Bailey Rae and Joss Stone. The music was thumping, the heat was rampant, and the drinks overflowed. Let the drama begin.

"I never had a cosmo before. And it's pink. I loves me some pink." Ari took a tiny sip from the glass.

Corinne laughed. In her cute little British accent, she said, "No, martinis are the way to go, sugar. They have olives." She popped the olive into her mouth and started chewing. "Met any cute boys yet?"

Ari shook her head, looking around. "Naw. But I ain't tryna meet no cute boys. I just wanna dance. Patrick is still doing dates for the Honda Civic tour."

"But don't you wanna stray even a little bit?" Corinne held up her thumb and index finger. She spaced them apart a little to show the miniscule amount she was talking about.

"Girl, I don't. I love me some Ricky. He may be a dork with a few insecurities, but so what? Nobody is perfect." Ari finished her cosmo. Wow, an alcoholic beverage that tasted good.

Corinne smiled. "Look at Joss gettin' down with the brothers."

Ari and Corinne watched Joss dancing with . . . Mos Def? Was that him? Well, she was gettin' it, that was for damn sure.

Ari laughed. "Go, Joss!" She pumped her arm up and down and rooted for her silently.

...................

"Do you see her? That fat bitch? She's right there." Paris pointed to the girl sitting on a bar stool wearing a short little dress. Tara squinted. "Isn't that-"

"Ari. That fucking bitch that Patrick left me for." She sighed and banged the wooden bar table. "Gimme another and fucking hurry up!" She slurred. The bartender got right on it. Anything to please her highness.

"Why are you still pissed? I thought you were over him." Tara glared at Paris, while doing her slutty, drunken girl shimmy.

"Because it's stupid. Why would he choose her when he could have me?" She presented herself by royally moving her hands. "I'm skinny and gorgeous, and she's fat and ugly." Paris glared at her again. This time, she was talking to Corinne.

"And her friend needs to get her teeth fixed." Paris continued hating.

Tara sucked her teeth. "Let's dance and forget about it. I totally see John Mayer dancing with Jessica Simpson." She put her hands on Paris's shoulders and smiled naughtily. "Wanna go steal him?" She cracked up behind her head, but Paris was too steamed to let Tara's foolishness make her laugh.

"You go ahead. I wanna chat with her. And my drink will do the talking." The bartender set her drink on the table and Paris grabbed it, then left the stool.

.....................

"She's really gettin' it, girl!" Ari said to Corinne. The two kept laughing.

"Isn't she?" Corinne clapped and laughed as she saw Joss hit the pop, lock, and drop it.

Meanwhile, Paris was shoving her bony ass through the crowd, tripping all over her big feet. When she came into Ari's view, she started yelling.

"Patrick didn't want you! He never wanted you! You're a fat bitch!"

It all happened so fast that Ari didn't get a chance to say anything back. All she heard was Paris yelling, and then, a drink splashed onto her face and her dress. She looked down. Her cute-as-hell Skye dress was ruined, and so was her makeup. The first thing Ari thought to do was grab her drink and toss it at Paris. So she did. She got her hair and the drink covered up her body.

"Bitch, don't you fuckin' try to disrespect me!" Ari yelled.

Paris and Ari then got into it, but since Ari had about thirty good pounds on Paris's twig self, she managed to knock her ass out but good. Even though Paris was getting some good licks in, Ari was clearly the winner. Corinne and Joss managed to hold Ari back.

"Bitch! That's why you lost, ho! Don't you ever fuckin' disrespect mine, bitch! I'll knock yo ho ass out, you racist, skinny, fuckin' bitch!"

Of course, all three girls were thrown out. Ari was not happy. Paris could do whatever she wanted. She could throw drinks at people and cuss them out and not get any dirty looks, but when someone stepped up to her, the stepper had to get ridiculed and thrown out. Must be good being white.

"Let's get the fuck outta here." Ari said, more mad than ever.

---

"That was one awesome performance." Joe set his guitar down and took a long sip of agua from a plastic cup. "Now we have a little break in between. Perfect chance for us to . . ." Joe plopped back onto his chair and went limp. "Relax."

Patrick laughed. He hit Joe with a pillow. "Yeah. But it's only a week. Too bad it couldn't be like a month." He got comfortable in his seat. "Or a year."

Andy was on the phone behind Patrick talking to Jade. Patrick turned around and saw Andy laughing. "He is so sprung." Patrick pointed to Andy.

Joe laughed. "I'm beat like an egg." He scratched his beard and buckled his seatbelt. "And hungry. Where's Pete, anyways?"

Patrick picked up his hat and lay it on his face to try to get some shut-eye. "In the bathroom," His voice was muffled behind his black fedora. He took it off his face and looked at Joe. "Why?"

Joe hunched his shoulders. "I haven't seen him. Oh, there he is."

Pete had washed off the eyeliner and other makeup. He sat down next to Andy, ready to go sleepy-bye.

"Aww. Like a little kid." Patrick pouted and then turned around. "I should see what Ari is doing." He grabbed his phone and called her up. "Hello? Hey, bay-huh? Paris?"

Joe instantly fell to attention. Paris as in Paris Hilton, he was sure.

"You fought her? Really? Did you win?" Patrick cracked up. "Wow. You beat her ass. Did you get arrested or anything? They kicked you out. Typical. No, of course not. Yes. Listen, we have a week. I know, they just sprang it on us, and we can make room for that little vay-cay. Yes." He smiled naughtily. "Yes, babe. You can tell me all about how you beat her ass when we get there. I'm going to Illinois first to do some things. You can meet me there. Sure. Okay, sweetie. Love ya. Bye." He hung up and started cracking up.

"She beat Paris's ass?" Joe asked.

Patrick was still laughing as he nodded. "Totally."

"I heard the word 'beat' and 'Paris's ass.' What happened?" Pete sat up.

"Ari fucked Paris up because she threw a drink on her." Patrick announced.

Pete's eyes were wide. "For real?"

Patrick nodded.

Pete laughed. Their laughing was halted when Andy blurted out, "Will you guys shoosh? I am on the phone!" Then he went back to his phone conversation. Everyone cracked up even more.

"When this plane touches down in Illinois, I am gonna be so happy." Patrick said, smiling.

"Why?" Joe asked, scratching his beard.

"Oh, it's something good, just know that."

"He's gonna get laid for the first time in like, five months." Pete blurted out.

Patrick turned around and glared at Pete.

"What? It's the truth." Pete hunched his shoulders.

Whatever. They wouldn't spoil what was about to happen between Patrick and Ari.

---

Andy's girlfriend Jade walked into the bedroom with her cute pink robe on. Production for the independent movie was finally over, and it was time to relax . . . right after the wrap party. This movie was supposed to be big in the indie film world, and was set to the highlight of the Cannes Film Festival. Not just because a Fall Out Boy was in there, either. The acting was impeccable, and the music score was all the rage. People like Imogen Heap, Snow Patrol, and Nicole Atkins, the beautiful folk singer, were on the soundtrack, and it was selling like hotcakes.

Andy was tying his tie when Jade wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. "We're totally gonna own that premiere. You look snazzy in that suit." She dusted one of his shoulders off.

Andy smiled. "Thanks." He turned to Jade and kissed her.

"Now if I could only find my other shoe, I'd be ready." Jade untied her robe, exposing her expensive Chantelle underwear, and looked around for her Pedro Garcia pump.

Andy searched with her. "Did you check under the bed?"

Jade looked under the bed. There it was. She snatched it and smiled. "Thank you, Mr. Sleuth." She laughed to herself and grabbed her dress.

"Hon, where did you put the video camera?" Andy sat on the bed to tie his shoes.

"In the closet." Jade looked up. "Why?"

"Just asking. I mean, I'd hate it if the tape was stolen or whatever. By the way, where is it?" He turned around.

"It should be in the camera." Jade answered nonchalantly, as if there wasn't nasty, dirty, porn that she and Andy made together.

"Did you check?" Andy asked, suddenly extremely concerned.

Jade rolled her eyes. She crossed her arms. "Andy, you worry too much. Nobody cares about us, anyway. We're blips under the radar for all I know."

"So you're tryna say I'm a nobody?" Andy stood up.

"No, hon. I just-" She sighed hard. "I'll go check." After she put her dress on, she walked barefoot to the closet. Andy stood behind her, awaiting the words, 'Oh yeah, it's here.'

"It's in here." She opened the closet doors. "I'll shut you up about this." Jade pulled the tripod containing the camera out.

"Now watch," She beckoned for Andy to come and look, then opened the slot. Emptiness!

"You said it was in here." Andy pointed to the slot.

"I know." Jade stuck her finger in the slot to make sure she wasn't losing it. Still empty.

"Hold the fuck up." Jade walked over to her cabinet and opened it. There were three empty cases. But wait! There was another behind the three. She frantically pulled it from the cabinet and opened it up. Empty!

She gave Andy the 'oh shit' look.

"What? Where the fuck is it?" Andy started picking up the mattress, looking underneath it. They checked almost every inch of the room, but it was g-o-n-e.

---

"Hey, Pete." Kim Kardashian, the video girl with the thick hips, big breasts, and round ass who appeared in Thnks Fr Th Mmrs, tapped Pete, who was drowning his sorrows at a bar. At this rate, he'd become the next Amy Winehouse, only male, and couldn't sing.

"Hey, Kim." Pete looked unattentive and the drink seemed to be the only redemption at this point. Kim took a seat next to him and ordered some Hennessy on the rocks.

"What's going on?" She asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

Pete glanced at her, and then glanced back at his drink. "Nothing good." He looked at her again when he caught sight of that dress she had on. Low-cut was the only description he could find, because her titties were popping out.

"So um, congrats on signing the new bands. You're a great businessman." She nodded her thanks to the bartender when he handed her her drink.

Pete managed to crack a smile. "Thanks. How have you been?"

Kim nodded a little. "Well, I'm glad that the tape isn't gonna be released, and um, I'm still single, looking to start acting."

"You wanna be an actress?" Pete took another sip of his drink. "I didn't know that."

"Yeah. I've been reading scripts, but none of them appeal to me. I wanna break out in a major way, and I don't just wanna be that girl who fucked Ray J, or that girl who's friends with Paris. Know what I mean?" She looked at Pete with sincerity in her eyes.

Pete nodded. "Sure. But don't ever mention Ray J again. I hate that motherfucker." He finished off his drink just thinking of what happened the night he caught Beyonce screwing around with him.

"Oh." Kim looked down. "Sorry."

"It's okay. That was a while ago. I just thought she'd have enough common sense to choose wisely. Guess not." He stared listlessly into the wide variety of drinks that stood before him.

"So um, what are you doing after this? Because if your answer is wallowing around in your own self pity, I could help you break outta that." Kim smiled and took a small sip of Hen.

Pete liked the idea of that. "What'd you have in mind?"

Kim finger-beckoned Pete to come closer. She whispered in his ear, "Whatever you want."

Pete looked at Kim carefully. She was beautiful. It wouldn't hurt to break out of his funk and hang with her for a while.

He smiled. "I like the idea of that."

---

Joe was sitting at the dining table watching Andy be apprehensive for reasons he didn't even understand. He looked jittery, and when he talked to people, he switched on the cool and collected front, but as soon as the person walked away, he looked nervous again.

"More champagne, sir?" A waiter came along and outreached a tray full of full flutes.

Joe waved the tray off. "No thanks."

"Maybe some escargot or a toast point?" He looked back to motion to the table where they were serving rich people food.

Joe shook his head. "No thanks." The waiter walked away. Joe was fully trying to squash his urge to spark up a joint and do some much needed tokin', but instead, he decided to help his friend. He got up, feeling his tux pocket just to make sure that bag bulge still remained.

After dodging a few indie actresses, Joe made his way to Andy, who was nervously biting a toast point.

"You know that's just fish eggs on overcooked bread, right?" Joe asked.

Andy nodded. "Yeah. They're actually alright." He gnawed on the point, desperately trying to avoid the caviar.

"So why are you acting like it's unleaded on a cracker?" Joe picked up a kebab and started eating the steak at the front. "Good." He waved the kebab in Andy's face.

"Come on. I'm sure you get urges." Joe retracted the kebab and ate a tomato from it.

Andy shook his head. "Nope. Vegetarian for life." He dropped the toast point. "Nasty." He shook his head and grabbed a flute to wash the taste out of his mouth.

"Slow down." Joe touched his arm and Andy stopped drinking.

"It's champagne, not water. And where's Jade? Didn't she come with you?" Joe looked around, trying to find the hot girl wearing the pink satin shift dress.

Andy hunched his shoulders. "I dunno. She told me she was going to the bathroom, and that was like, ten minutes ago." Andy took another small sip from his flute.

"What's the matter with you? You're really jittery?" Joe wrapped his lips around almost half of the stick and picked the vegetables and meat with his teeth.

"You pig." Andy shook his head and set the flute down before he ended up tipsy as hell.

"I asked you a question." Joe stated, mouth full.

Andy sucked his teeth. "Nothing's wrong! Man! Are you gonna keep asking me or are you gonna get off my nuts?" Andy, annoyed, grabbed that flute and drank the rest of the champagne.

"Okay. Seriously. Something is totally wrong, and I won't get off your nuts until you tell me." Joe glared at Andy until he relented. When Andy did, he grabbed Joe and took him to a secluded part of the party.

Joe finished off his kebab. "Okay. Now tell me."

Andy sighed and rolled his eyes. "MeandJademadasextapeanditsmissing."

"What?"

"I said, me and Jade-"

"No, I know what you said; I'm the master of the jumbled word, but Andy, why did you guys do that?" He dropped his kebab stick and folded his arms.

"I dunno! I mean, kink always helps a relationship, and she was so hot, and she just suggested it-"

"If she suggested you cut your gonads off, would you do it?" Joe asked.

Andy gave Joe that, 'why the hell did you ask me that?' look. "Now don't ask stupid questions."

"It's reasonable! Do you turn into jello when Jade says something?"

"No! It was just kinky!"

"And not once did you guys think about hmm, I dunno, uh, burning the tape or destroying it? Were you gonna watch yourselves do it?" Joe cringed at the thought of watching his own self make love to a girl. Like he wanted to hear his own nasal voice go, 'Oh yeah! That's it. Oh my God! You're fantastic! You're awesome!' Weird much?

Andy looked down at his shoes. No responses to be found.

"So what are you gonna do? I mean, I'm sure no one broke into your house specifically to find a sex tape. Jade must've misplaced it. Simple." Joe tried to reassure Andy, and it seemed to be working. What criminal broke into houses to find a specific item? Who the hell was that meticulous, anyway, in a world full of haphazard dumbasses?

Andy nodded. "You're right. You're absolutely right. We'll scour the house when we get home. If she ever leaves the damn bathroom, that is."

Joe laughed. "See."

Andy watched as Joe picked up the kebab stick. "What are you doing?"

Joe steadied the point to pick meat from his teeth. "I got no floss, so I gotta make do." Joe smiled and walked away.

"Eew! Dude, it's been on the ground!" Andy shook his head.

---

"You can stay here if you want. I get lonely, anyways." Kim closed the door behind Pete.

"Wow. Massive crib." Pete smiled when he saw the huge plasma on her wall. Looked like she did a lotta movie watching.

"Yeah." She dropped her Bulga bag on her couch. "Shelled out enough money for it, that's for damn sure." She turned on the fireplace and dropped to the couch to take off those stilettos.

"Got anything to eat? I need to soak up this alcohol." He ran a hand through his hair.

"Yeah. You like pizza?" Kim headed for her fridge.

"Who doesn't?" He laughed and walked to the counter.

"Ooh, and it's refrigerated. Nothing like heating up pizza from the night before." He sounded sarcastic, but he was being for real.

"Are you being sarcastic?" Kim put the box on the counter.

"No! No, man. I'm for real. There's something so humble about heating up pizza from the night before."

Kim smiled. "Gotta point, there. How many pieces?" She opened the box.

"Actually, how about the whole thing? I so don't want a hangover."

"I need to eat, too, now." Kim smirked at Pete and put three square pieces on a plate.

Pete looked away. Kim had such a big house, but it looked like she was lonely.

"You ever get bored here? I mean, you know, a big house and everything, I'd be so lonely and bored all the fucking time. What do you do entertain yourself?"

Kim put the microwave on thirty seconds. "I read scripts." She turned around. "Watch T.V., surf the web. I'm still trying to figure out how to change the colors on my MySpace profile."

Pete laughed. "So I take it you're not too web savvy?"

Kim smiled and shook her head. "Hell to the naw."

Pete knew that Kim was a cool chick. She was a little 'round-the-way. Maybe she had a reputation, but at least she was sweet.

"So how's FOB doing?"

"Just finishing the Honda Civic tour. Feels great. We can chill now. And then go record for our new album. We wanna go a whole new direction. Think Motown meets hip-hop meets hard-edged punk."

"Concept album?"

"No. But we always thought about doing one. Patrick's gonna have a lot of upper-hand on the new one. He's been off doing other things, so what he's done is probably gonna permeate our sound."

Kim nodded. "Sounds good. Isn't Patrick still dating that AJ chick?"

Pete said, "Well, it's a rumor, and he doesn't necessarily like people in his personal life, anyway. They're really good friends, though."

"Beyonce and Jay-Z said the same . . ." When Kim saw Pete's look of dissatisfaction as soon as she mentioned Beyonce, she took it back. "Sorry. I forgot-"

"It's okay. Forget it. I need to get over it, anyway." Pete was startled when the microwave sounded off. Kim grabbed the plate and set it on the counter.

.............................

After the pizza meal, they got to feelin' each other, talking, and just being cool. If Pete was a Sim, his social skill with Kim would've been at 98, when he was still best friends with her, but if they 'woo-hooed', they could be lovers.

"So, um, I'm stuffed." Pete sat back. Maybe that hangover would fuck off after all.

"Me, too." She crumpled up her napkin and dropped it on her plate. "Whatcha wanna do now?"

Pete hunched his shoulders. "Go sleepy-bye." He yawned. "Guess I'll be leaving."

"Don't you wanna sleep over?" Kim asked, sounding a bit hopeful.

Pete looked at her. "I don't wanna cramp your style. I-"

"Cramp it! Cramp it, please. I'm so alone, and you're like, the only good friend I have nowadays."

Pete frowned. "Really? What about Par-"

"Pete, Paris doesn't have a simple 'friend' gene in her body. We're not speaking anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because she's Paris."

Pete nodded in understanding. "Good point."

"Come on. Stay with me. Please?" She pouted her lips. Pete couldn't resist.

"Okay."

................................

Pete was laying on top of one of Kim's guest beds. She had thrown a blanket on top of him a few minutes after she fell asleep, and was now standing in the doorway at three in the morning. She really liked him. Pete was one of the sweetest, most charismatic and adorable people she'd ever known, and she finally had him in her place.

Without warning, she slipped into bed beside him and threw an arm around him. Pete was sleeping light this night, and woke up. "Wha? Kim?" He looked to see Kim cuddling up to him.

"Shhh." She lay her head on his shoulder.

"Kim, I-"

"Shhh." Kim held Pete tight. He held her back, still confused. When he saw her hand reach down to his jeans, he moved it away.

"Kim, I'm in a real bad place right now. I don't think I can have a relationship at the moment."

Wow. The first guy who took a hook-up as a jumpstart to a relationship! She'd have to get him somehow. Pete was a good candidate for a boyfriend, no doubt.

Kim nodded. "Okay. Sorry."

"It's cool. You can hold me, still." He grabbed Kim's arm and kissed her hand. "God, I'm tired."

Kim agreed. "Me, too."

---

"Naw, nigga. It look like a Chrysler 300. And the fucked up part is it do like a Phantom until a Phantom pull up," the T.V. in Ari and Patrick's shared room was blaring Katt Williams' hilarious The Pimp Chronicles Pt. I, and Ari was paying absolutely no attention to it. She didn't care. She was too enthralled in her cell phone game.

Patrick peeped in through the crack of the door and walked in. They were dressed because they'd go eat dinner soon, this being their first night on their stay in Aguilla. Patrick was looking all sorts of sexy in a black button-up with his reasonably-baggy jeans on and his black and white BAPEs.

"There you are." He stopped and looked at the T.V. Katt Williams! Ari introduced Patrick to him, and he found Katt hilarious.

"Why aren't you watching this?" He looked at Ari, who was stuck on her phone.

"Hellooooooooooo?" Patrick sat down next to Ari and then looked back at her phone.

"What?" She replied, unenthused.

"Do I have to take that phone away from you?" He looked at Ari, who was still all up in that phone. She hadn't even shook her hair from her face, something she did frequently.

Patrick shook his head in pity, and then snatched the phone from her.

"You motherfucker! Gimme my phone back!" Ari tried to get it back, but it was too late. She lost!

"Made me lose!" Ari punched Patrick and frowned.

"Ow! Damn! It was just a game. I'm sorry." He rubbed her back while Ari looked away. She smiled and then turned to Patrick.

"I forgive you, but next time, I'ma fuck you up. Now why have you come to bother me so?"

Patrick laughed. "I thought we'd leave and go have dinner now." He pointed his thumb back.

"Oh. We could do that." Ari grabbed her pink Razr and snapped it shut.

"Or what? You plan on staying here and watching Money Mike?" Patrick asked, glancing at the television.

"Nah. I done seen this a million times. I'm waitin' on him to do part two." Ari tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Well uh, in the meantime, we should get going." Before he stood up, he took a really good look at Ari. Damn, she was gorgeous.

"You know I love you with all my heart, right?" Patrick stated, pouring on the sincerity.

Ari smiled. "Yes. You know I love you with all my heart back, right?" She nodded.

"Hell yes." Patrick smiled and he pulled her closer for a kiss.

"Now let's go. I'm hungry. But that should be, like, no surprise to you." Patrick stood up, but Ari pulled him back down.

"What?" He asked, confused.

Ari moved closer to Patrick and lay her head on his shoulder. "Stay here with me." She uttered, in a baby-like voice.

"Babe, I'm starving."

"You always starving." She retorted. She pulled her skirt down a little. Ari was wearing the cute white button-up and plaid skirt that she bought from the store the paparazzi hounded her in.

"Ari, come on. I am so hungry, it makes no sense. And we both look good, and-"

Ari started tickling him, and he began giggling like a kid.

"Stop it!" Patrick yelled, trying to move her hands.

"Don't fight it! Don't fight it, boo!" Ari still had control. She climbed on top of him and tickled the hell out of him. His hat fell off and everything.

"Stop!" Patrick was out of breath until he managed to gain control. He threw Ari off of him and returned the favor.

"Patrick! I can't breathe! Stop it!" Ari yelled, laughing and gasping for breath.

"You're gonna get it worse, babe!" Patrick continued tickling her until she starting trying to kick her way out from underneath him. When it failed, she just lay there and took her 'punishment.'

Patrick saw Ari was exhausted and left her alone. He was tired, as well and lay on top of her, enveloping her in all that thickness that was him.

"Damn, you heavy!" Ari yelled, trying to sit up.

"Like you aren't." Patrick said, running his hands through her fake hair. So maybe it would be better if the hair was hers, but either way, the moment was romantic.

Patrick kissed Ari. Simple. Then, Ari lifted her head up to give Patrick a french kiss. While their tongues were intertwining, Ari was unbuttoning Patrick's shirt.

Oh, man. We're really gonna do this? Patrick questioned and stated at the same time in his head.

Patrick's hands searched his girl's body, caressing every curve she had through her shirt, until he couldn't take it and he ripped the shirt open.

Patrick sat up and finally let Ari breathe for a second when he reached for the button in the front of her skirt. There was no button.

"Where's the . . . thing?" Patrick asked, looking for the zipper or the button.

Ari turned around. Patrick undid her zipper and slid that little thing off of her perfect legs.

Patrick positioned Ari's head to his so they french kiss some more, all the while his hands grabbed hold of her big booty and the baby fat of her stomach. She was like a pillow, she was so soft.

Ari reached her hands behind her and undid Patrick's belt and his pants.

"Ooh, this feel so good," Ari whispered to no one but herself and Patrick. They were so captivated by each other that the fact that Katt was still on the T.V., practically full blast, didn't matter. That is, until Patrick turned the T.V. off.

Patrick undid her bra and felt her chest up. Okay, so she didn't have the biggest tits in the world, but she had a big 'ole ass, so everything was ay-okay.

Ari turned around to take her true love's shirt off. She started kissing his neck while she slid the shirt off him. Damn, he was thick. She could play with him all day if she wanted to. When she glanced down between his legs, she could his penis was erect as hell. Her hand slipped down to that area and started caressng it. She could feel Patrick's heart beat faster, then his hands on her back, going crazy while her head moved farther down, and farther down, and farther down . . . and when it was all over, Patrick was breathless and was ready to return the favor and so much more.

Off came the underwear and then Patrick kissed her entire body from head to toe. He worked on her breasts, nipples, her navel, thighs, and then he pleasured her orally. The good music he heard didn't compare to how good it sounded when he heard his girlfriend's moans of pleasure.

When he was finished, Patrick wrapped his arms around her and kissed her deeply. Their body heat compared was definitely much. Ari's hands searched all over Patrick's body. So much for that dinner!

When they finally stopped to get some air, Ari was shocked. Did she really just let all that happen? Did she really suck him off? At least they didn't actually do it, right?

"Patrick?"

"Yeah?" He turned to Ari.

"What the hell just happened?" She asked.

Patrick smiled. "What do you think just happened?" He ran his hand through her hair.

"I dunno. But uh, I know that felt good as hell." She smiled to herself. She had to see how good he was at sex.

Patrick laughed. "Yeah." He sat up. "Wanna do it, now?"

Ari frowned. "You know you gon' have to be as slow as ever."

Patrick nodded. "Yeah, of course. I wouldn't just ram it in you." He let his finger trace around her navel.

"You got a condom?" Ari asked, sitting up.

Patrick nodded.

---

As soon as the premiere for Andy and Jade's movie was over, he made a beeline for their room to search through the tapes.

Jade followed behind, curious as to why he was acting so erratic.

"Um, Andy?" Jade frowned as she walked into the room.

"What?" Andy didn't even look up. "Ah! Found it." Andy grabbed the tape that simply had 'sex tape' written on the top.

"I found it! Found it!" Andy did a stupid dance and Jade laughed. "What's the matter, honey? Did you drink too much bubbly?"

Andy shook his head. "Of course not. I'm just happy the tape is here!" He dropped it on the bed and undressed.

"I knew the tape wasn't gone." Jade said, kicking her shoes off. "So relieved. I'll be right back." She left.

Andy didn't even care that Jade was gone. He was so relieved that the tape was in the house that he was overflowing with joy. Nobody would say that Andy was a Pete wanna-be. No defamation of character and FOB fans betraying him or even the whole band because of his idiotic mistake. Everything was cool.

"Andy! Andy! Come quick! Omigod!" Jade yelled.

Andy frowned and ran as fast as he could to where Jade was. She was sitting on her computer, horrified.

"What?" Andy looked at the screen. She clicked on a link, and there it was. The Andy and Jade sex tape. How the fuck had it gotten leaked onto the internet if it was in their possession the whole entire time?

"How did this happen?" Andy asked, befuddled and angry.

"I dunno." Jade felt herself ready to cry.

---

 

1. Seeing that Three 6 Mafia's member number changes quite often, (Crunchy Black just left the group), is it safe to call them the hip-hop version of Destiny's Child?

2. Don't Princess and Diamond of Crime Mob look like they could be related?

3. Speaking of them, are you sick of hearing Rock Yo Hips right about now?

4. Doesn't the lead singer of Underoath look like Axl Rose?

5. Even if she is a drunk with a short temper, don't you just love Amy Winehouse's music?

6. Did you know that Memphis Bleek's first name is actually an acronym? (Making Easy Money Pimpin' Hoes Is Serious) I didn't.

7. Do you hope that the M.A.H.R. organization (Mothers Against Hard Rock) will leave rockers like My Chemical Romance and The Used alone and just, I dunno, not listen to their music if they don't like it?

8. Are you glad that Sanjaya got kicked off of American Idol?

9. Did you ever think baby-faced singer Lloyd would return?

10. Speaking of Lloyd, will Ashanti ressurect her broken career?

11. Why are we all pissed that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson go together?

12. Would I be wrong in saying that maybe, just maybe, The Supremes were the greatest girl group of all time?

13. Have you noticed that Meagan Good is in, like, every urban movie that happens to release?

14. Are you as mad as I am that Aaron McGruder, creator of the controversial yet hilarious comic- strip-turned show, The Boondocks, completely quit on it, even though a second season was supposed to occur?

15. Isn't Jacoby Shaddix, host of MTV's gruesome new show, Scarred and lead singer of Papa Roach, fine as hell?

16. Do you think Kelly Rowland will have success with her summer release album, Miss Kelly?

17. How come rock artists don't collaborate (when I say collaborate, I mean lend your vocals to a track) very often, but in hip-hop, you rarely hear an artist do a song on their own?

18. Speaking of that, wouldn't it be funny and cool at the same time if bands did remixes with guests?

19. So um, where has Mariah Carey been hiding?

20. Do you miss Blink 182?

 

 

Yes, you heard me right. GWB is a racist. Why? Okay. Lemme explain.

We all know that over the past 2 days, the whole VT thing has been on the news a lot. The worst school shooting in U.S. history, and I see why. The dude lined up the people who were going to be killed, and shot them. He shot himself when it was all over. Very scary, of course. But that's now what pissed me off.

Okay, so Bush, right away starts acting on what went down in Virginia. His white ass is down there the next day to give his condolences. It's a tragedy, I know, but two years ago, a little event went down that destroyed Louisiana. The name? Hurricane Katrina. Thousands of blacks in poverty were killed, and the nation was all over this story. How long did it take this guy to respond to the event? 3 days. Do you see a problem here?

GWB is racist. His ass is down in VA right away to give condolences to what looked like a tragedy among the predominately white school community. Black people in the south are left to die until he decided to get off his lazy ass and do something about it. And when he finally did, people were arrested for trying to survive, we were thrown in the fucking Astrodome like they had no other place to stow us, and while we were there, people were getting raped, beaten, and all types of other horrible shit. And top of that, his fucking fat ass mother has the nerve to say that we should be proud that we're in the Astrodome because we lived the same way before this whole event and titters to herself. You racist bitch. You and your son. I seriously don't get it. What the hell have we done to make you all hate us so much? If anything, you should be thanking us. We shaped America by doing the work the lazy white people didn't do. We were beaten, ripped apart from our families, discouraged not to read, told to hate our own people, and for what? To do work. And what do us black people get? Reparations? Nah. An apology? Nah. What about our forty acres and a mule? Nah.

Okay, I didn't mean to get all 'Black Power' on y'all, but I felt like saying it. And I know some people will read this and think I'm just another angry nigger who hates the 'white man' and I'm just mad that I'm not white, but that isn't the case. I just can't stand it when people mistreat others simply because of what they are. Hitler alienated the Jews (when it was rumored he was a damn Jew himself) and killed them all. The U.S. government alienated the Asians because of that Pearl Harbor mess. Well actually, I don't count that, because they got an apology and reparations. Mexicans are constantly being treated like crap simply because they want to head to a country where the opportunites are greater. Is this fair? Hell no.

I don't like the race double standard, either. Like I said with Bush, it's cool for him to go to VT and give condolences to what happened, but it's wrong for him to respond briskly to a tragedy in the south affecting thousands of African-Americans. And I was fucking mad when Mos Def-a conscious rapper who doesn't talk about the same old bullshit that everyone else talks about just to get paid-talked about what happened. He performed-well, attempted to perform-a song about the whole Katrina debacle, and got arrested. Is that fair, either? Hell no.

It's not like I don't like white people. I do. I just don't like the preconceived notions they have about black people. You can have them, but damn it, wait until you meet a black person to decide whether or not you were right. And if you were, you really shouldn't assume that all black people are like that. Like when a lot of them think we're rude, ignorant, and just lack home training. Yes, a lot of black people are like that, but not all. A lot of black people, as well, have home training, morals, standards, and all that other good stuff.

So basically, before I delved into all the stuff that pisses me off about what goes on, I was trying to say that that monkey-looking motherfucker needs to seriously be impeached. I can wait until '08, but I'd prefer if something happened to him now. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way about how he chooses what he reacts to. Hopefully Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton or somebody feels the need to voice this. I hope so. I really do. Until then, I just hope we get a good pres. next year. I don't even care if it Obama, although that'd be a breakthrough. I just hope that one that is chosen isn't racist, prejudiced, and as ignorant as the idiot we call 'Mr. President.'

The continuation of "I Found The Cure To Growing Older." Enjoy!

---

"Okay, Andy. Try not to sound so dead. I mean, yes, you just lost your friend in a car wreck, and you're supposed to have this existential outlook, but try to sound a teensy bit happier. Okay?"

Andy nodded. He looked down at his script. "But I don't understand. I mean, yeah, we used to be cool, but you changed. And honey, seasons change, but people don't." He looked away sadly.

"Perfect!" The director stood up and clapped. So did the girl sitting next to him, drinking a Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee. (I love iced coffee.)

"Okay." He walked over to Andy and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You've got the part, Andy."

Andy smiled. "Thanks."

"You ever did indie films before?"

"No, sir."

"Oh. Freshie. Okay, well your co-star should coming any time now. There's a love scene-not too nasty, of course-so you guys will need to get aquainted." He stomped his Van on the ground. "Jesus Christ, where the hell is Jade? Does anyone know where she is? Man, get an Independent Spirit award for one movie and she thinks she's a rock star. Mel, where the hell is she?" He looked back at the bored looking chick in the chair. She shrugged her shoulders and then left.

A few minutes later, some girl wearing jeans and a pink t-shirt walked in. She hurried over to the director. "Sorry I'm late. I got held up in traffic." She looked at Andy. "Hello. Are you my love interest?" She smiled.

Director dude nodded. "Yes. Jade, meet Andy. Andy, Jade."

Jade and Andy shook. "Hello, Jade."

"Andy. You look familiar." She smiled.

"Yeah. I hate to toot my own horn, but I'm drummer from Fall Out Boy."

Jade nodded. "Yes, you are! That's where I know you from. Totally. I love Thnks Fr Th Mmrs."

Andy smiled. "Thanks."

"Yes, you guys get to know each other. Andy, are you sure this isn't gonna cut into your music life?"

Andy nodded. "Yeah. You guys barely film. I'm pretty sure I can work it out."

"Okay. Now um, I need you guys to get fully acquainted so the love scene won't looked forced." He brought them together like two kids he was desperate to see get along.

"Oh, we will." Jade smiled. Andy was stunned at how beautiful Jade was. Long blonde hair, cute little face, a nice frame. She was petite, but not to the point where one would think she was anorexic.

The director called Mel over and the two went somewhere. Meanwhile, Jade and Andy started talking.

"So how many indie films have you been in?" Andy sat down on the nearby couch and patted the space next to him.

Jade smiled. "Of course." She sat down and moved some hair out of her face. "Um, I've been in eight so far, but I've only won an award for one. It was called The Life Of The Chosen One. It was, like, basically about this girl who was a celebutante. She had everything going for her, but she felt like she was empty inside. A lot of people thought I was basically Paris Hilton with depth, but the emotion was really good. And I got an Independent Spirit award for it."

Andy nodded. "Cool. So your other movies sucked or something?"

Jade laughed. "Well, I wouldn't go that harsh, Andy." She smiled.

Andy raised his eyebrows. "Sorry."

"It's okay. But um, you could say that. Three of them made it to the Cannes Film Festival, but got lost after that. And then two of 'em-The Life Of The Chosen One and Just Like Friends made it to DVD. The rest of them just play sometimes on the Sundance channel."

Andy and Jade exchanged more conversation. They were definitely hitting it off.

---

"There he is. Right there. Fucking fat ass." Paris tapped Lindsay her 'frenemie' and showed Patrick and Pete talking together.

"Uhh. He is so not attractive. What did you ever see in him?" Lindsay sipped her martini.

Paris sucked her teeth. "I totally don't know. No. I know what I saw in him. He had a big cock."

Lindsay's eyebrows rose. "Really? How big?" She took another sip.

"This big." She held her two index fingers up and then spaced them apart.

"Wow! Maybe I should have a turn with him."

"You can't. He's with someone. But she's a bitch and a whore so you can steal him if you want." Paris smiled. What a bitch.

"Who?" She frowned.

"This fat black girl. I think her name is Airy. Something like that."

"You mean Ari? As in AJ? I like her music."

Paris hit Lindsay. "You're supposed to hate her, Lindsay!"

Lindsay gave Paris that No-you-didn't look. She set her drink down and left. Enough of her.

"Fine, then. FIRECROTCH!!!" She yelled.

Lindsay yelled, "COKEHEAD!"

.................................

"I knew this was a good idea. We haven't hung out in a while." Pete took a gulp of some of his drink.

Patrick smiled. "Yeah. It was a good idea. So how are you and Beyonce doing?"

"We're fine. Just fine."

"How's the sex?"

Pete frowned. "Huh?"

"Dude, you heard me. The sex. How is it?"

Pete asked, "Why are you of all people asking?"

"Because I have yet to do it with Ari. I think we're close, though."

"Really?" He took another sip.

"Yeah. I mean, she's warming up. I hate to sound like an asshole, but I totally wanna do her. I mean, you don't know how hard it is to see someone hot, and you guys like each other, and everything is right, but she doesn't wanna do it yet. But um, she means a lot to me, so I'll wait. Even if it kills me." He adjusted his hat.

"Well uh, don't worry. She'll come around. I mean, you guys have been together, what? 5 months? It'll happen. Be patient. She has."

"When?" Patrick asked.

"When you practically dumped her for Paris." Pete sounded sincere.

Patrick nodded. Guilt trip much? "You're so right. I shouldn't even be complaining because I put her through some shit. Forget I said anything." He took a sip of his Mr. Pibb.

Paris was on her way to Patrick. She passed by Jake Gyllenhaal and Jessica Simpson, and then she got to him. "Hi, Patrick."

Patrick turned around. "What do you want?"

"To talk with you. It's been a while."

Pete stepped in. "You trashed us on national T.V. What could you possibly wanna say?"

Patrick touched Pete's chest, as if to tell him to back down. "I got this, man. I got this." He turned to Paris.

"Paris, if you came here to start bullshit, I'm totally not having it. If you're gonna try to rip me away from Ari, forget it. You're nothing but a piece of ass, so deal with. I never liked you, and you never liked me."

Paris snapped. "Look, you fat ass neanderthal-"

Patrick pointed to Paris, "No, YOU listen! You come in my fucking face trying to start shit and then you expect me to not get mad?" He was snapping hard. Pete had never seen this side of Patrick.

"Dude, it's-"

"Wanna take this outside?" Paris asked.

"Let's!"

...........................

"Patrick, you are so full of shit!"

"Paris, don't fucking try to make me look bad. You're a slut, and everyone knows it!"

"You're a fat ass, and everyone knows it! What can you possibly even see in her?"

"What do I see in her? She's not you. THAT'S what I see in her."

"She can't do anything like me."

"Yes, she can. She's got a brain and she cares about people. You're just a selfish bitch with a credit card and a open pussy."

"Fuck you. You make me sick to my stomach."

"Good! That's perfect!"

"You never even cared about me!"

"You were on your fucking phone all the time! You never cared about me!"

"But I-"

"And you can fucking go on T.V. and call me fat and call us fags as many times as you want. It doesn't change the fact that I'm not with you, and I will never be with you again. Paris, sorry, maybe someone needed to tell you, but the whole fucking world doesn't revolve around you. Get over it." With that, he walked back into the club. Paris was outside, trying hard not to cry. Aww. Poor little rich girl.

Pete stood waiting to see Patrick. When he did, he asked, "Dude, are you okay?" Patrick had turned red from yelling so much.

"Yeah, fine." He finished the rest of his drink and set it down on the table rougly.

"Are you sure? We can leave if you want." Pete rubbed Patrick's back.

Patrick nodded. "Yeah, let's go."

They both headed for the door.

---

"But you told me you loved me before that fag came into the picture. Make up your mind, girl!" Ray J sat on the couch and waited for Beyonce to sit next to him.

"Shut the hell up. I told you what we had going on for a second is no more. Besides, Pete is not a fag."

Ray sucked his teeth. "Girl, please. That nigga done fucked every dude this side of L.A."

Beyonce shook her head. "You know, if I knew you was here to start shit, I woulda never invited you over. But now I see it. I want you to go." She pointed to the door.

He stood up. "Fine. I'ma go see if Kim wanna hit it."

"Kim as in Kim Kardashian? That big-hipped ho?"

Ray J nodded. "Why you care if she a ho? You ain't gotta fuck her. That's some nice pussy right there. I could-"

"Get out! I don't wanna hear this!" Beyonce stood up and practically followed him out of the house. When he was on the porch, he said, "Beyonce, I know you supposedly love that dude, but don't forget how I treated you when you screwing around on Shawn."

Beyonce thought for a moment. Hmm. Nothing. "Go on somewhere, dude. Really. I'm in love."

"With a fag."

"NOW!"

Ray shook his head in pity. "Some bitches just don't know what they missing." He left. Beyonce closed the door behind her.

......................

"So how's my little Southern princess doing?" Pete kissed Beyonce's lips and set his leather jacket onto the table.

"I'm good." She focused on cutting up her vegetables.

"Whatchu got cooking?" He placed his hands on her shoulders and looked to see what she was doing on the stove.

"Chicken. Want some?"

"Sure. I haven't eaten all day." Pete sat down at the table. Bored, he picked up a pack of playing cards and started playing solitaire. "So uh, Kanye and Ty are at it again?"

Beyonce nodded. "Yeah. Ty don't think Kanye can run the business, but Kanye don't appreciate that. So they hate each other. I think he know Ty will run it better, but since his ego is on high, he can't just admit it." She turned back to the stove.

"Hmm. Well um, what about you-know-who? Who has control of his masters?"

Beyonce replied, "I think Dame does, even though they hate each other. He shoulda trusted it with Ty, so now Ty is pissed at Shawn. It's so much bullshit. It really is."

Did Pete dare bring it up? "We're getting a lot of attention."

Beyonce turned away from the stove. "I know. It's some big love triangle shit."

"Yeah." Pete lost interest in solitaire. He put the cards down. "People say it's a publicity ploy. And people think I'm only dating you to get black people to like Fall Out Boy. But Patrick is dating Ari, and I haven't heard anything like that."

"Maybe because they think Patrick is genuinely interested in her. They see you with a different girl every week. Patrick's only had Paris."

Pete nodded. "Very true."

Did Beyonce dare bring it up? "Are you genuinely interested in me?"

"What a stupid question! Of course I am! Would I be in this situation right now if I wasn't?"

Beyonce was silent for a moment. "You right. Stupid question." She pulled her jeans up and got back to cooking.

"I do have a question, though. I mean, you're seen with different girls all the time. Are you capable of holding down a monogamous relationship?"

Pete nodded. "Of course I am. I was with this one girl-Jeanae-for a while. A few years. And what did I get in return? A broken heart and an arm through the car window."

"You punched a car window out?" Beyonce had her arms folded.

Pete said, "Yes." He wiped his face of some sweat that was accumulating in the hot kitchen. "She really made me mad."

Beyonce turned back to the stove. "Sorry to hear that."

Pete nodded. "Yeah. Me, too."

---

"I like that shit. It's weird, but it's cool. Play it again, man." Yung Joc stood by the mixing machine, enthralled. Patrick's weird, experimental beat was just what he needed to come back. He was hot with the much-played 2006 joint, It's Goin' Down, had a bit more success with I Know You See It, and had cars bumping his otherwise unheard-of mixtape joints. One was called Patrons, and the other was named  A Couple Grand, which was basically him rapping over the D4L song, I'm Da Man. While his big-nosed self was in hiding, he enlisted the help from Swizz Beatz, sought-after Timbaland, and Scott Storch, but he was feeling this dude.

Patrick played it again. Weird. Very weird. But weird enough for it to be good. Lots of high hats, piano samples, a few hip-hop synths, and the occasional phaser.

Joe was laughing. It was so crazy it made him laugh. Since he was basically M.I.A. these days, he had nothing better to do than watch Yung Joc bob his head to the beat.

"I need to spit some bars. This is raw, P! When you make this?"

Patrick said, "I got bored and started playing around with stuff. I didn't even know this would be considered good because it sounded so damn weird."

Yung Joc nodded. "Okay. Lemme go do my studio thing real quick. You don't mind do you?"

Patrick shook his head. He took his hat off and set it on the table. Gasp!

Patrick starting running his hands through his hair. It was itchy and he needed to get it washed. Was it weird that he actually considered dying his hair black and shaving off his sideburns? It would make his fan base go crazy, but if they really loved him, they wouldn't care. Right?

"Wow! A first in the world. Patrick Martin Stump took off his fucking hat." Joe stood up and applauded.

Patrick laughed. So adorable. "My head itches like hell."

Yung Joc tapped the mic. "You ready?"

Patrick prepared to play the song. "Go ahead."

He began rapping. About sixteen bars."

"You got a hook for that in your head?"

He laughed. "Hell naw! I gotta think of that shit. Man, mafuckas gon' be shocked when they hear this lil' dude from a rock band is over here fuckin' with hip-hop people." He laughed.

Patrick smiled. "Hey, I'm not that white." He smiled.

Yung Joc sniffed the air. "I smell weed. Hey, money in the back! Is you blowin' up over there?"

Joe turned around. "Yeah. Want some?"

"Sheeit! Hell yeah. Lemme get some of that shit. You smoke, P?"

Patrick said, "Occasionally."

"Well, this is a special occasion. This song finna be a hit."

---

Pete lay in bed out of breath with Beyonce right next to him. She turned out the lamp and looked, well, annoyed. It was weird. Some things weren't right with them all of a sudden. And Beyonce seemed to be more annoyed with Pete by second.

Pete took the initiative to cuddle with Beyonce, because he knew that she liked it when he cuddled with her after they had sex. Beyonce pushed him away.

"Don't you wanna cuddle?" He maintained his calmness.

Beyonce shook her head.

Pete sucked his teeth. "Damn it, Beyonce! I was gonna keep quiet, but fuck that now. How come every time I try to be nice to you, you shoot me down? Is it another guy?"

Beyonce turned to Pete. She turned the light on. Then, out of nowhere, she smacked the hell out of Pete, and then got up.

Pete touched his face. Ouch. He knew that was going to be red.

"Well fuck you then, bitch! Would you like me to drive you to Rally's to get you another chicken sandwich, fatass?"

Beyonce said nothing. She was in the bathroom. What the hell was she doing?

Pete got out bed. He put his boxers on and walked into the bathroom.

"You're fucking psycho. I hope you know that."

Beyonce frowned at Pete. "Don't make me bend your white ass in half."

"Don't make me push your black ass down the stairs."

"You couldn't if you tried. You shorter than me, and I got like, thirty pounds on you."

"I could try. I'll get a fucking a broomstick and shove you right down." He sounded serious.

Beyonce had her robe on, and some sneakers on. She was ready to be out of that bitch.

"Who is it? Just tell me now to avoid all the heartbreak that's coming for me later. Tell me." He watched Beyonce throw some of her clothes into a bag and zipped it. Then she grabbed her charging Razr, snatched it from the cord, and threw it in the nearest pocket of the bag.

"I asked you a question, I want an answer, Beyonce. Who the fuck is it?"

Beyonce glared at Pete. "Peter, you don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?" He slammed the door frame and turned red. He was pissed.

"I don't even need to explain." She grabbed her bag and proceeded to walk out of the bathroom, but Pete blocked her.

"Move."

"Fuck that."

Beyonce pushed Pete, but he still stood. "MOVE!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TALK TO ME?" Now it seemed like he was pleading.

Beyonce dropped the bag. Slowly relenting.

"I mean, damn it, Beyonce! I try to be nice to you and you shove me off. You say you wanna cuddle after sex, I cuddle, and you totally just tell me to fuck off, basically. You say you want the loaded chicken sandwich at Rally's and you tell me to put hot sauce on it even though it's already hot, and I do it. But you still find things to bitch about! Why?" He was regaining his color slowly.

Beyonce smiled slightly. "I think this might be the first argument you won."

"I've been only one talking."

"Look. I've been going through some shit and I-"

"-Don't need to take it out on me."

Beyonce nodded. "You right. I just . . . look. You know you right. I do, too. I freaked out. Can we just go back to bed?"

Pete relented. "Sure." He hugged Beyonce. No kiss.

When Beyonce got back into bed with Pete, she cuddled up next to him, but he had a feeling she didn't mean it.

---

"So you're actually part French?" Andy took a sip of his white wine.

Jade nodded. She smiled. "Yeah. My mom is French, and my dad is Italian. And my families always clash. They don't wanna eat, like, pastries, they wanna eat pasta. They don't wanna watch The Sopranos, they wanna watch Big Love, since my mom loves Chloe Sevigny. That's like, my idol. She started out doing indie flicks, and look at her now. I hope that'll be me one day."

Andy smiled. He liked spending time with this Jade girl. She was nice, articulate, sexy, and sweet. The time he spent doing the indie flick was time well spent. Because maybe, just maybe, they'd become BF/GF.

"Well um, there's nothing that interesting about me. I'm from Wisconsin. Nothing cool about that. I mean, how many people do you know represent Wisconsin? Nobody. I'm like, all alone."

Jade laughed. "Yeah well, you'd be surprised how many guys are totally after French girls. I don't know what it is about guys, but they seem to love French girls! I'm like, there's nothing really that special about us. We wear berets and walk poodles. Wow."

Andy laughed again. "I guess you're right."

The waiter came by and handed the happy future couple the bill.

Andy pulled out his wallet and paid for the meal, leaving an eight dollar tip. "Wanna go for a walk?"

.......................

"I love moonlight. I really do. It's romantic. I'm a hopeless romantic." Jade turned to Andy. "What about you? When was your last relationship? I'm constantly babbling about me, but I haven't heard that much about you."

Andy smiled. "It's okay. I like hearing about you. You're really interesting."

Jade looked at Andy. Man, he was hot. He had this Jesus thing going with his beard, but all that aside, he was very cute.

"Andy?" Jade smiled to herself.

Andy turned to Jade. "Yeah?"

Jade took Andy's hands. "I like you a lot. I know that seems a bit weird for only a few days of acquaintance, but-"

Andy leaned in and kissed the long-legged beauty. When he pulled away, Jade was blushing.

"Wow." She laughed.

"I know." Andy smiled, and they kissed again. Underneath the round ball in the sky we call the moon. So romantic.

---

"Patrick. Patrick. RICK TA LIFE!" Joe was shaking Patrick, but he refused to wake up. Damn, he must've been knocked out.

Joe was bored as hell these days. He had even grown a beer and smoked more weed than usual. His hoodie reeked of ganja and he hadn't even showered yet. Stinky!

Patrick stirred a little. He smiled. "Stop it, baby." He laughed in his sleep.

Joe sucked his teeth. He knew exactly who he was dreaming about. "Hey Patrick. Ari is standing in the middle of the room, buck ass naked."

Patrcik stirred a little more. "Shut the fuck up, Joe." Aww! He sounded cute even when he was cursing.

Joe faked laughter. "Fat ass." He mumbled under his breath.

"For your 411, I'm losing weight." Patrick got more comfortable underneath the covers.

"Please. You've got bigger titties that Ari."

Patrick yawned. He sunk into his pillow and said, "Joe, at least I don't suck cock for weed. You've got it all backwards. You suck cock for crack."

"Go eat something." Joe waved Patrick off.

A few seconds later, his cell phone rang. He reached out and picked it up. "Hello? Hey, sweetie." He sat up. Now he was fully awoke.

"Hey, boo. Whatchu doing?" Ari was laying in bed watching T.V.

"Nothing. Why?"

"Because I'm bored as all hell and want you to come over and entertain me." Ari sunk down into her hotel bed.

Patrick laughed. He got up. "Where are you again? I believe you're, like, real close."

"The Palms hotel. Penthouse suite."

Patrick smiled. "Okay. I'm gettin' dressed. I'll be over soon."

"Alright. See ya." She hung up.

"Bye." He hung up as well.

"Booty call?" Joe asked, laughing.

"No. She just wants me to come over. And how is it a booty call when she's your girlfriend?" He threw on a pair of baggy jeans and slipped into a pair of BAPEs.

"Please make sure if you invite any drug dealers over, that they don't touch any of my stuff." He put on a hat and grabbed his wallet, just in case."

Joe nodded. "Okay, dad."

Patrick smirked. "Watch my room, boy!" He saluted and then left.

.........................

"You have a nice hotel room." Patrick looked around. She had a cool little decor going on. Probably something she requested. Patrick knew Ari deserved getting whatever she wanted, being that she was the good girl all her life, and shouldn't feel guilty for wanting the finer things.

"Yeah." Ari yawned and pulled her lounge pants up. "Want some coffee?" She folded her arms and awaited a response.

Patrick shook his head. "Nah."

"Good. Because coffee makes your breath stink, and if I wanted to kiss you, I'd have to hold my breath."

Patrick smiled. "So um, why'd you invite me?" He leaned on a wooden end table that had a white lamp atop it.

"I got bored. And it's only, like, ten, so I'm bored out of my mind." She walked over to Patrick and slid her hands underneath his jacket, and then hugged him.

"I missed my baby." She poutily said.

Patrick hugged her back. "You feel that? I'm totally losing weight."

Ari looked up at Patrick. "For real?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I mean, at least, it looks like it."

Ari scoffed. "No it don't. You got the same big belly." She tapped it.

"No, it's more around my face. Because you know I have a double chin and all."

Ari pinched his chin. "Maybe you right. You wanna lose weight?"

Patrick hunched his shoulders. "I dunno. I mean, I think of myself as way more attractive these days, but I dunno. There's still something in the back of my head saying I'm a fat ass."

Ari laughed. "Well um, I like you the way you are, so . . . don't matter to me." She hunched her shoulders. "But um, I'd also like you the way you were circa '05. But again, it don't matter. I love my PMS."

Patrick cracked up. "And I love my AJ."

Ari smiled and they embraced, then kissed.

It seemed like ages and ages went by before they finally pulled apart.

"You alright? You seem a little tense, boo." Ari ran one of her fingers down his left sideburn.

He shook his head. "I'm fine. I'm cool." They kissed again.

X-rated stuff happening . . . now!

Ari slid her hand down to Patrick's crotch, Patrick was shocked. But he didn't say a thing.

Ari kept going until she noticed an obvious growth down there. Patrick pulled away from Ari. "Um, you uh, you wanna . . ."

"Go further?" Ari still had her hand there.

Patrick looked down. "Well um, you know, you got me um," He searched for the right word. "Prepared for whatever you had planned."

Ari laughed out loud. She turned away and then back to Patrick.

"I know you wanna do it. To be honest, I just did that because I wanted to feel your dick, so . . ."

"Oh! Wow." Patrick was surprised! He laughed along with Ari.

"And um, I dunno. Shit, you smelled good and everything."

They both looked at each other and then started kissing again. All over each other. She could feel Patrick poking up against her thigh, his hands on her booty, and everything. It was pretty damn erotic.

"Patrick," She whispered.

"Huh?" He managed to get his hands underneath her shirt. He popped her bra, and Ari laughed.

"Patrick!" She smiled.

"What?"

"You know what? We need to get away. For real. I mean, go on vacation or something. Because you know I love spending time with you." She waited for his reply.

Patrick hunched his shoulders. "What the hell? I mean, why not? Where, though?" He looked down. Still hard.

"Um, I was thinking Anguilla or something. I dunno. Somewhere outside of the states where it's sunny."

"Hawaii?"

"Hell naw! They got volcanoes there! Fuck that."

Patrick laughed. He adjusted his glasses. "Well, we'll think of something. But in the meantime-" In a swift move, he picked up Ari and she shrieked. Then, he started kissing her. He sat her down on a nearby table and they started going at it again. Aww. Crazy in love kids.

---

Pete was already vexed enough over Beyonce before he left the studio. Fall Out Boy had been recording new tracks. This album was gonna have a hip-hop and R&B feel to it, but still be classic FOB. It would be way more diverse, though. And, on this album, they'd actually-gasp!-collaborate!

They'd enlisted the help of Lil' Wayne-they had an idea for him to play bass on one of the song and rap, as well-Panic! At The Disco, The Academy Is..., Kanye West, The Hush Sound, and Ari. All local people. They had also collaborated with My Chemical Romance, Lil' Jon, Wolfmother, and Ciara, but those collaborations didn't make the cut. Hey, they'd be leaked in no time, and played on every damn radio station in a hot second.

As he approached Beyonce's room, ready to receieve the TLC he'd been needing for a while, he heard loud moans and screams. He neared the door and they increased. Damn it, Beyonce had better be watching porn with the volume on blast!

Pete opened the door. Holy shit. Ray J was on top of Beyonce. He was fucking the hell out of her ass. Beyonce's eyes shot open when she saw Pete, frozen in the door frame. Busted!

Ray J looked at Beyonce. "Baby, is this the fag you told me you loved?" He turned back to Pete.

Pete didn't know what to do. So many emotions overcame him. He wanted to cry, scream, and most importantly, fuck Ray J's can't-sing ass up.

He snapped. "I am not a fucking fag. Beyonce, what the fuck are you doing?" He walked closer and closer to the scene.

"Baby, I can explain-"

"This looks pretty fucking self-explanatory to me!"

Ray J took it upon himself to get up.

"Look boy, you best to get the fuck up outta here."

Beyonce said, "Shut up! Why are you even here?"

Ray J pushed Pete. "I said leave, fag!"

Pete got up and then he and Ray started scrapping! It was a free-for-all, and both of them were getting fucked up. Pete ends up slamming Ray into a nightstand, Ray knees Pete in the nuts, Pete then slams him against the wall, and Ray gets up, hits Pete in the face, and knocks him down. Luckily, Pete was able to get Ray off of him by punching him in the face.

"STOP IT! Y'ALL CUT IT OUT!"

When the fight ended, it seemed it was a tie. Pete had some ribs that killed, his face hurt, and he busted a knuckle. Ray J was aching all over, and his nose was bleeding.

"You a dirty ho. Have fun with this gay ass motherfucker." He left.

Pete stood up. He looked at Beyonce.

"Please don't leave me. I don't know what I was thinking." She was crying now.

Pete looked down at her. "You knew exactly what the fuck you were thinking." He packed all his stuff and left, ignoring all of Beyonce's meaningless pleas. When she met him at the car, she pleaded, "Please don't go, Peter. I need you."

Pete turned to Beyonce. "Bullshit. You're a two-timing bitch and I hope you burn in hell. You deserved everything that Shawn did to you." With that, he started his car and left.

---

Joe was asleep in the hotel when Pete knocked on the door frantically. He was pissed because it took him a pretty long time to go to sleep, and now he had to get up. This had better be good.

"Who the fuck is this knocking at-"

"Pete. Please open up."

He sounded really sincere, so he walked over to the door.

"Dude, what happened?" He was a bit surprised at Pete's appearance.

He shook his head. "I got into a fight. Beyonce cheated on me."

Joe shook his head in pity. "That bitch. Come in."

.................

"So I walk in, and she's totally fucking another guy. She never cared about me. She never did. She's a fucking liar." Joe dabbed alcohol at the bloody spots on his face.

"Calm down, man. It's okay. You didn't even need her. Any girl that goes back to a guy that cheated on her is pretty fucked in the head to me."

"Stop." Pete knocked Joe's arm away because his face was stinging. "I hope she knows that she'll never get me back. And she told me her sister doesn't like me. I wonder if she liked Shawn. Man, I don't get girls. You treat them nice, don't hit them, don't be mean to them, do whatever the hell they want, but in return, they always find some gutter asshole to sleep with. I always thought it was the girls who wanted the guys to treat them like they were worth something, but I guess it's been flipped." Pete took off his jacket.

"And you know what else I noticed?" He threw the jacket onto the bed.

"What?" Joe screwed the cap back onto the alcohol bottle.

"Girls seem to really find assholes attractive. When was the last time you heard a girl go, 'Hmm. I want a good guy. Good guys are sexy.' They think the bad guys are sexy, and the bad guys end up hurting them in the long run. Sometimes, I think girls are just stupid." He sighed deeply.

Joe laughed. He looked around and scratched his beard.

"Wasn't Patrick here a minute ago?" Pete looked straight ahead, emphasizing his exhaustion.

"Yeah, but Ari called."

Pete sucked his teeth. Damn Patrick. He had everything Pete wanted when it came to quality. No one thought Patrick was trying to use his girlfriend to gain fans of another race. No one though he was trying too hard to be noticed. And no one felt like he was a poser. It was always Pete.

"You gonna be okay, man?" Joe asked Pete, standing before him.

Pete nodded. "Sure. Yeah. I'm good." They hugged each other.

"You can sleep there. I don't think Patrick will be coming back anytime soon."

---

1. Don't we already know that Jim Jones's new single Emotionless will pale in comparison to We Fly High?

2. When we will we hear new stuff from Alicia Keys?

3. Don't Shakira and Beyonce look uncannily alike in the video for Beautiful Liar?

4. Does the angel girl in The Shins' video for Phantom Limb kind of . . .  creepy?

5. Isn't Alanis Morissette's video parody for My Humps hilarious?

6. So Pete, can uh, you explain this?

7. Why is Bill O' Reilly such a damn hater?

8. Since when did Timbaland become the 'it' producer?

9. Are you really going to watch yet another season of The Simple Life?

10. Is DJ Unk capable of doing a song that doesn't talk about a dance craze?

11. So uh, where the hell has Taking Back Sunday been hiding?

12. If I throw it at you baby, can you handle it? (We're talking about you, Crime Mob!)

13. Are you surprised that Tango won I Love New York? (I was sure she was gonna pick Chance!)

14. And speaking of that crazy show, do you really think New York is going to marry him?

15. In the long tradition of extra-skinny-but-fine dudes, would it be safe to say it's a tie between William Beckett from The Academy Is... and Trevor Moore from The Whitest Kids U Know?

16. Isn't Killswitch Engage, like, one of the rawest band names ever?

17. Look, can we just make Mary J. Blige the queen of R&B and get it over with?

18. So uh, where have the Ying Yang Twins been hiding? (With the sales of their latest release, Chemically Imbalanced, maybe that was the cause of their withdrawal.)

19. Is it safe to say that nobody likes hockey except Canadians?

20. Speaking of Canadians, do you think Avril Lavigne will bring it on her new album?

The continuation of "I'm Two Quarters And A Heart Down." Enjoy!

---

Pete applied a little bit of ice to Beyonce's swollen lip. All of her wounds were healing pretty fast, and the best part was that no medical attention was needed.

"Ooh. That feels so good and so bad all at once." Beyonce held the ice pack to her lip. She nodded. "Thank you."

Pete smiled. "No problem." Even though he thought Beyonce wanted him out of her life, he still, deep down, really cared for her. Even if she did have a horrible taste in guys.

"So what's the deal with . . . you know who?" He moved some of her weave out of her face.

Beyonce shook her head. "5 years for assault and battery. Plus, they found weed in his dashboard. His career is basically over, and he assigned Kanye to be the new president of Def Jam."

Pete frowned. "Think he can handle it?"

Beyonce shook her head. She laughed some. "Hell no! He's not mature enough.That fool is still stormin' stages when he don't get an award!"

Pete laughed. Very true.

"Well, I dunno if I could look over a major label, but Decaydance is going pretty damn well."

"Y'all signed Ari to that one?"

Pete shook his head. "Fueled By Ramen is what you're thinking of. I haven't signed an artist to Decaydance in, like, five months."

Beyonce nodded. "Pete, I hope you don't think I've turned you away forever. I haven't. I still . . ." She looked away.

Pete, sensing a bit of a deep moment coming, pressed the pause button on Bee's stereo, which was playing the beautiful voice of Deniece Williams on low. "What?"

Beyonce pointed to the stereo. "It ain't that deep. Put it back on."

"Love, stop making a fool of me," Deniece crooned.

"I still love you. I don't know if you knew that, but I do. Even when I was with that monster of a man, I was still feenin' for you, boy. I love you." She was smiling. No tears or anything melancholy.

Pete was floored. What could he say? Was this his quality chick? Beyonce? How unlikely. Sleeping with the boss's fiance, then ex-fiance, then ex all together, and now she loved him? Incredible!

"I understand if you don't feel the same way. I'm just lettin' you know how I feel. That's real. From the heart, Peter." She smiled at him and ran a hand over his head.

Pete smiled. "Well, Beyonce, I-"

Beyonce put a finger to his mouth. "It's cool." She dropped the ice pack.

"No." He moved her hand away and started rubbing it. "It's just, I kinda felt the same way, too. I just . . . you confused me with all that damn Shawn drama. I mean, I was like, do you want the good guy or the bad guy? And you chose the bad guy, and I had to deal with it."

Beyonce nodded. "I know I made a stupid decision."

"Silly of me, to think that you," Deniece continued to sing.

"I wanna take that stupid ass decision back. I ain't had a real love in a while. You filled that empty spot, boo. And I know I sound retarded and all, and I'm just falling for the most unlikely guy-the bassist from Fall Out Boy, for God's sakes!-but it's true! I'm falling for you."

Pete smiled. Maybe she still really did care. No faking or fronting. It was real.

"Well uh, I assume my momma don't want you home with me, seeing as she kinda hates you as much as she hates Shawn, so uh-" She pointed to the door. "If you wanna g-"

Pete grabbed Beyonce and kissed the hell out of her.

"Love, stop making a fool of me," Deniece sang.

When Pete released, Beyonce was stunned.

"Where did that come from?" She swung her hair from her face.

Pete smiled. He grabbed Beyonce's hand and placed it where his heart was. "Right here, babe."

---

Blur's Song 2 was playing. It was a rocking club party, the perfect form of stress relief for Joe and Andy. It was nice to go partying after stressful events took place. Chris had died, Joe lost his pregnant girlfriend, and Andy's girlfriend Lacey couldn't deal with all his drama plus her own, so they split up. Hopefully, new and better things would come from tonight.

"This party is fucking AWESOME!" Joe yelled atop everyone else in the club. Felt good to let loose! And that Blur song was his favorite track, so he had to dance. He was getting down.

About fifteen mintues later, he spotted Andy at the bar. "Hey man. Havin' fun? Coke and rum, please."

The bartender left to get Joe's order. Andy turned to Joe. "Good. What about you, man?"

Joe nodded. "Lovin' the scene. Chillin' out."

Andy smiled. "I met this cute girl. She so likes me. Oh yeah." He finished off his drink.

Joe shook his head and gave Andy a reassuring pat on the back. "Sure." The bartender returned with his drink. Joe chugged it down in one gulp.

"Be right back! I got more fun to have." He left quickly. Andy laughed to himself. "What an idiot." He ordered another drink.

Joe was about thirty minutes into having an even better time than before, guess who he sees, drunk as hell, dancing with some biker-punk guy?

It was Gina! And she was drinking! What the hell happened to her 'I'm pregnant' BS?

Joe walked over to Gina. "Gina, what the hell? You told me you were pregnant!"

The biker/punk glared at Gina. "You're preggers?"

Gina grabbed the guy and said, "He's totally lying. He's my EX-BOYFRIEND and he-"

"No. I can't deal with preg chicks. I'm out." He obviously just wanted an excuse to leave.

"No! Cartman! Cartman!" She gave up and then looked at Joe. "The fuck? You ruined my night!"

"You're supposed to be pregnant!"

"I am not pregnant!"

"So you lied?"

"No! I got a fucking ABORTION!"

"But you don't believe in that!"

"I do now. Because it was YOURS!"

Joe was stunned. Damn. He didn't know what to think. That was really harsh.

"I'm leaving. Bye." She shoved past him, Joe still stunned. Now he was really gonna have to get drunk.

He headed right back over to the bar and slammed the table. "2 Coke and Rums, please." He awaited his mood-enhancers.

---

"Tell him the good news." Beyonce elbowed Pete, who was taking a sip of his iced tea.

He smiled. "Okay." He folded his hands together.

Andy frowned. "What good news?" Andy was confused.

Pete and Beyonce looked at each other. They were very happy.

"Okay. I'll say it. Me and Peter are back together." She smiled. Beaming at how much she loved her man.

"Yeah. We decided it was the best thing for us." Pete pinched some of Beyonce's belly fat.

"Hey!" She pushed Pete.

Oh, wow. How sickening it was to see two people-especially when one of those people was his friend-involved in lovey-dovey shit. Eeew!

"Um, I need to go potty. I'll be right back." Beyonce stood up. Pete smacked her booty, and she laughed.

"I am so happy. I haven't been this happy in a while." Pete cut up his pancakes and then slathered butter on them.

Andy was too sad and angry to speak. Joe was distraught over what Gina said to him at the club. What he could possibly be doing was eating Andy up right now.

As Pete was pouring a heap of syrup onto the pancakes, he looked at Andy, who was extra taciturn at the moment. "Dude? Are you okay?" He set the syrup tun down.

Andy nodded. "Yeah. I guess I just . . . nah. It's nothing.

"No. Tell me." Pete pressed.

Andy scratched his back through his cute bunnies hoodie. He hunched his shoulders. "I'm worried about Joe."

Pete frowned. "You mean what happened at the club?"

Andy nodded. "Yeah. He seemed pretty sad. I just hope he doesn't do anything crazy."

Pete frowned again. "Like what, man?"

"Like . . . you know." He looked at his lap, avoiding Pete's pretty brown eyes. "Like doing crack."

"He wouldn't fucking do that. It got him once, and he got through it. Never again. Never ever again."

Andy looked at Pete. "Well, I hope that's true. I just hate seeing my friends so sad."

Pete was losing his appetite slowly. Andy was bringing down his happiness. "Where did this come from?"

"The other night! Did you remember what I said? She told him she was aborting the kid because it was his."

Pete looked away. "Andy, he's gonna be fine. Quit worrying."

Andy got heated. "Quit worrying? That's it? Oh, your life is perfect, so it's cool if everyone else is doing horrible?"

Pete dropped his fork. "I never said that, Andy! Stop putting words in my mouth."

Andy got mad. No more of this. Pete was a selfish bastard. He grabbed his wallet, took out the money to pay for his meal, and then threw it at Pete.

"Here. That should pay for my meal." He glared at him as he left.

Beyonce came back a few moments later. She looked at the empty spot where Andy used to be, and then at the money lying on Pete. "What happened?" She sat down.

Pete frowned and shook his head. "He got mad and left. But anyway, let's finish eating." He grabbed his fork and went into his 'cakes.

---

Joe was lying underneath the covers, completely enthralled in his earphones blasting The Who's Teenage Wasteland. Man, if he could alter the song title to fit his mood, he'd title it 'On The Verge Of Becoming A Second-Time Crackhead Wasteland.'

His chances for getting a weed fix from Jamal had been stopped. One of his buddies from Dem Franchize Boyz had gotten locked up, and he'd been spending time away from his crib. That meant no more ganja, and he trusted Jamal. Besides, he'd read in some VIBE magazine of Ari's that he was making beats for a new DFB album.

Joe threw the cover off of his curly-haired head and looked at the clock. He'd been sleep for almost nine hours. It was four in the afternoon, and he hadn't so much as even switched a position. He wanted so badly to score some coke or some meth or anything of a strong substance. Man, this was so bad. Gina didn't want to carry his child. What did that tell anybody about the guy who gave her the seed?

Joe's cell phone vibrated on his nightstand for the thirtieth time. Man, why did so many people care about him? Ah, it was probably the manager or some business people waiting on him to respond to their many calls. Nobody cared about him. As far as they were concerned, he was just the guy in Fall Out Boy who busted his shit doing that stupid move all the time.

Joe sat up in bed underneath the covers. He grabbed the phone and checked who was calling. Patrick. What could he possibly want? Wasn't he having fun doing his R&B alter-ego thing, producing for neo soul artists and laying down experimental beats for rappers?

Joe decided he'd take a chance. It was Patrick, anyway. He wasn't the judgemental type.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Joe. What's going on? Heard you had, like, a nervous breakdown."

"I'm fine."

"Wanna talk?"

"Not at all."

"Dude, you have to talk sometimes. Just like when we all met up after the Chris disaster. Come on."

"I said I didn't wanna talk. Go do your little side project."

"But I-"

Joe hung up. Patrick didn't wanna help. He just wanted to criticize him. People were so full of shit, it made no sense to Joe.

Joe glanced at the clock again. Three minutes passed. God, this was going to be a loooong day.

---

The final date was over. Ari's grueling first tour had finally come to an end, the last performance with T.I. a wrap. Man, she was going to be so happy to pile into Patrick's arms and do the things that they'd said they'd do together as soon as the tour was finished. Yay!

Ari entered her dressing room, skin-tight pants outfit on, as usual, and checked herself out. She was sweating, she stunk, and she was pretty sure that three bunions had formed on her feet. Unlike Beyonce and Mariah Carey, Ari was not capable of living in stilettos, so she rarely wore them on stage, but during the last perfomance, she was wearing a dress, so unless she wanted to make like Lily Allen and wear sneakers, she was going to wear heels. And they would be four-inchers!

Ari pulled her weave into a ponytail and grabbed a towel. She wiped her face of the sweat. Did she dare lift up an arm? She did. And it smelled like ass mixed with onions. Damn!

Jesus Christ I smell horrible! Ari laughed to herself. She went into her purse for a second to see if Patrick left her any texts or phone calls. Sure enough, he left a text and a voice mail. The text said he'd be coming soon and he loved her, and the voice mail said that he missed her like crazy.

Ari smiled. Awww! She loved her cute little teddy bear!

As Ari zipped her purse back up and set it onto the table, she noticed a white folded note stuck into the mirror. She opened it up. It was from T.I.!

Hey, shawty. Just wanted to let you know I had a great time touring with you. If you ever wanna get together and do a little something, holla at me. I know you got my number.

-Tip

Ari knew for damn sure now that Clifford liked her. He wanted her as his own, but he couldn't have her. She was Patrick's. And yes, people wouldn't really appreciate that fact that this successful black woman would choose a dorky white guy over a sexy, southern rapper, but she didn't care, damn it. It was her life, and she'd live it the way she wanted. Man, she couldn't go anywhere without people trying to tell her what to do! They tell her not to collaborate with rockers, not to wear quote-unquote 'white girl' clothes, and to escape from 'white ass' Fueled By Ramen and get on a label like G.O.O.D. or Interscope. When would people leave her alone?

After a replenishing shower and a switch from her binding clothes and painful shoes, she grabbed her black tote filled with her essentials. She'd call someone over to help her get the rest of her stuff from her hotel room so she could head to the airport and get thee back to Chi-town, where a certain lead singer of a certain raw band was waiting.

"Great show, Ari! See you again!" Yelled a fan.

Ari smiled. She gave the fan a hug. "Thank you." Of course she was in a good mood. Soon, she was gonna see her man.

"Can I get a picture?" The girl pulled out her digital camera.

"Sure!" Ari took the camera and pointed it to the both of them. She made sure to get herself and the girl really good. After the camera flashed, the happy fan gave Ari another hug.

"See ya!" Ari handed her the camera and left.

Before she could make the exit, there was T.I.-with his boys. Man, did he ever go anywhere alone?

Clifford licked his lips and turned to her. "Hey, girl!"

Ari smiled at him. "Hey."

He checked out her clothes. "I see you changed into somethin' more comfortable."

Ari glanced at her outfit. "Hell yeah." She waved at a few of his people.

"So uh, I just wanted to let you know we killed. That collabo we did was hot. Just like the female part of the equation."

Ari smiled. "Thank you."

"Well uh, I know you gots a million places to be, but I wanted to ask you something. I-"

Ari's cell phone began playing her ringtone-Amy Winehouse's Rehab-so she pulled it out of her clip. She held an index finger to T.I.

"Hello? Yes?" She laughed. "Yeah. Okay. Bye. I love you, too." Ari put her phone back into her clip.

"I don't mean to pry, but who was that?"

Should she say it's her boyfriend? Mother? Father? Brother? Sister? Wait, she didn't have a sister. But you get the idea. She didn't know what to say. If she said boyfriend, though, maybe he'd stop with the advances. Yes, he was fine, but Patrick was the sweetest man she ever met, and he was cute. T.I. was one of those 'love 'em and leave 'em' looking types.

"My boyfriend." Ari blurted out.

T.I. sounded disappointed. "Oh. Well uh, don't lemme stop you. See you 'round, shawty." He hugged her. Ari hugged back. "Thanks. I'll see you, too."

T.I. smiled at her, and then she left.

"She got a fat ass." Said one of T.I.'s boys.

"I know, dude! She got a boyfriend? I wonder who boyfriend is. He gotta know what to do with all that ass. That is a lotta ass right there! Damn!" Another member rattled on about her big booty.

Clifford laughed a little, but inside, he was hurt. Damn whoever it was who was with her! Damn him!

---

"So which one looks better? The short red number with the bow in the back or the short white number with the bow in the front?" Beyonce held up two dresses suspended by hangers. Pete was sitting on the bed, looking.

"Well, um, which one is shorter?" Pete smiled.

Beyonce dropped her arms in frustration. "This ain't funny, boo! I need something to wear to this damn red carpet appearance for Kelly's new album. I have to make it look like everything is okay in Beyonceland, and wearing short dresses always does the trick, don't you think?"

Pete nodded. "Of course. Try on the red one. It look sexier."

Beyonce nodded. "Alright." She went into the bathroom.

Pete frowned. "Hey! Why can't you try it on in front of me?"

Beyonce yelled from the bathroom, "Huh?"

"Try it on in front of me! I'm not a stranger!"

Beyonce walked out, wearing the dress.

"Wow." Pete was floored. "You look gorgeous." His eyes were transfixed on her thighs, or her 'New York thighs' if you wanna wax informative on Fall Out Boy songs.

Beyonce followed Pete's gaze. "What's wrong with my legs?"

"Nothing. You just have beautiful legs. Wear this one for me."

Beyonce laughed. "For you?"

Pete sucked his teeth. "Yeah. For me."

Beyonce smiled seductively at Pete. "You didn't see me turn around in it, though." She turned around and showed off that million-dollar booty.

"Yeah. That's nice, too." Pete motioned for Beyonce to join him on the bed.

"Come on. Let's do it." Pete started kissing Beyonce.

"Not now. Not while-"

"He's asleep. He won't leave the room." Pete assured Beyonce.

Beyonce hunched her shoulders. "Fine." She slid one of her straps off her shoulder. Pete kissed his way down to her breasts and then lay her down. "You are so sexy."

Beyonce laughed. His prickly face was tickling her. "You need to shave! I hope you know that!"

Pete flicked his tongue in and out of her navel. She laughed uncontrollably. "Pete, cut it out!"

Beyonce touched Pete's head. His hair was coarse and thick, like he was mixed with something.

"Pete?"

He glanced back at Beyonce. "Yeah, babe?"

"Are you mixed?"

Pete stopped doing what he was doing. "What?"

Beyonce frowned. "Boy, you heard me. Is you mixed?"

Pete touched his head. "Is that why? My hair?"

Beyonce nodded. "What are you? Half black, Mexican? What?"

Pete sucked his teeth. "We were having sex, like, thirty seconds ago, you know."

Beyonce rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I know."

"So can we continue?" Pete kissed Beyonce again. She could never resist that!

"Alright, alright." Beyonce unzipped Pete's girl jeans and slid them off of his little legs. She got the full view of his Nightmare Before Christmas tattoos.

Suddenly, a scratching at the door, and then, Hemmingway leaves the room and leaps onto the bed, scaring Beyonce.

"Hemmingway! No! Off!" Pete clapped a few times, but Hemingway didn't leave. Beyonce was standing near the bed, agitated and frightened.

"Git!" Hemmingway left the bed and went back into his room.

Beyonce went into the bathroom and changed into her comfy clothes.

"Oh man. Beyonce! Bee! I-"

Beyonce left the bathroom, in the middle of putting on her pants. "I thought I told you to never call me 'Bee' again."

Pete sighed. "I'm sorry. I-"

"And put your damn pants on! Don't nobody wanna see your hairy ass legs."

Pete frowned. "Beyonce! I'm sorry. I forgot. And I'm sorry about Hemmingway. I thought he'd behave."

Beyonce left the bathroom, t-shirt and lounge pants on. She pulled the covers back and slid into bed.

"Good night, Pete."

Pete sucked his teeth. "Honey, I'm sorry. I forgot that you didn't want me to call you that because of . . . that dude. And I'm sorry about Hemmin-"

"Pete, stop trying. It's over." She reached into her nightstand and grabbed a scarf. After she tied her head up, Pete slid into bed with her.

"Are you okay?"

Beyonce nodded. She turned around so Pete couldn't see her.

"Damn it, Beyonce! I'm trying to be the good guy!"

Beyonce chuckled. "No you ain't. You tryna get some pussy, but that ship has sailed. Good . . . night." She turned off her lamp. The ass store was closed.

This was such bullshit. They'd just gotten back together and hadn't done it yet. This was so bogus!

Having nothing better to do, he slid his pants back on and went to sleep. There was about two feet of space between him and his girlfriend.

Girls are so damn complicated. Can't they just be in the mood when we're in the mood? Pete thought.

---

Serious making out in the limo. The suspects? Ari and Patrick, celebrating a month of not seeing each other, but having only the phone to communicate. They'd even resorted to phone sex twice. Hey, it was the closest they were going to get to the real thing before Ari opened those legs and it went down.

"I missed you so much." Patrick hugged Ari tight.

"I missed you too, boo." Ari bit Patrick's bottom lip and kissed him again.

She was so happy. She loved being with Ricky. It was still a blessing to her that she found who she wanted and he wanted her, too. And he was cute, talented, and above all, sweet. He cared for her.

"So um, how's everything been?" Ari asked.

"I should be asking you. Did T.I. steal you away from me yet?" Patrick laughed.

"Hell no. I don't like black men. Remember?"

Patrick laughed. "Oh, wow! Wow!"

Ari laughed. "I'm joking! I'm joking! For real, though, he tried. Well, actually, he didn't know I had a boyfriend until I left."

"You told him?"

"You called, and he asked who it was."

"Why should he care?"

"He just wanted to know." Ari pinched one of Patrick's chubby little cheeks.

"So um, what's been really good with studio work and whatnot? Meet any girls who you think are finer than me?" Ari put her hands on her hips and pretended to get ghetto.

Patrick laughed. "No. But I've been laying down tracks with Swizz Beatz and Timbaland. And I even heard Yung Joc is interested in a beat of mine."

Ari smiled. "Cool. Real cool. What about that voice? Has it gotten any better? Not that it was crap to begin with."

Patrick nodded. "I know. It has. I've been practicing a lot. It's really soulful now. I'm proud of myself."

Ari nodded. She loved looking at him. God, he was so fine.

"You look like you put on weight during the tour." Patrick grabbed her stomach.

Ari looked down. "Well um, I have been eating a bit more, because during busy times, you don't get to eat that much. Why, you don't want me to gain weight? You think I'm fat?" She faked like she was sad.

Patrick shook his head. "Of course not. I can't even call anyone fat. But you look hot with ass, so it doesn't even matter." She squeezed both of her thighs and smiled.

"Oh yeah. Lemme show you something." Patrick took his hat off and smoothed his hair out.

Ari frowned. There was something missing atop his head. Where was it . . . ah! The bald spot! It was gone! And it was covered with . . . hair!

"Oh my God! What happened? Ooh, your hair so much thicker."

Patrick nodded. "I know, right? I mean, I just woke up, and it was covered up. I might even go hatless one of these days. But um, how does it look?"

Ari smiled. "You look sexy. As usual." She kissed Patrick passionately.

"Man, I wish you were ready to fuck. I would so beat that up."

Ari laughed hard. "Patrick, you crack me up."

"I know." He squeezed one of her breasts, and Ari laughed.

"Patrick, with your horny ass!"

"I haven't been around you for a month. Of course I'm horny. Man, get over here." He grabbed her to him and made out with her.

Maybe she was ready to have sex with him. She wanted to, he was fine, and she knew he wanted it. It was all there. But she was scared it was gonna hurt.

................................

"Come into bed with me?" Patrick patted the space next to him in the hotel bed.

Ari smiled and got in next to him.

"Why don't you put on a thong and babydoll dress, and this'll really be nice."

Ari sucked her teeth. "Shut up. I'm wearing shorts even though I'm cold."

She hooked one of her legs into his and they faced each other.

"I know you aren't ready to have sex yet, but like, when we are, what's gonna happen?" Patrick inquired.

Ari thought for a moment. "I really don't want to use a condom. I mean, I know it's smart, but I don't wanna use one. I wanna feel everything, but I know it'll hurt."

"I'll go slow."

"I know you will. Because if you ram that damn thing in, I will hurt you!"

Patrick and Ari laughed.

"Well um, like, I dunno! It's awkward talking about it. And sometimes when I see you, and you're wearing this skin-tight ass dress on, I just wanna take you and . . . just, ya know. Fuck the living daylights out of you!"

Ari smiled. "Yeah, you be looking good, too. Like when you had on those baggy jeans and those nice BAPEs? And your hat was to the side, and I coulda sworn your eyes had changed colors. Oooh. I was so turned on that day."

Patrick laughed. "Well um, when are we just gonna do it? I don't wanna make it seem like I'm pressuring you, but I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't had sex since . . . you know who."

"Oh." Speak of that bitch. "She's a nasty ho. I think you should get tested before we do anything."

"I used a condom all the time."

"But what if it busted or it malfunctioned or some shit? You don't know."

While Ari had a point, something inside of him was a little pissed at Ari for not trusting him. Besides, how did he know Ari wasn't lying about being a virgin? What if she was an undercover slut and only took it in the ass?

"Well uh, you have a point. Maybe we should get tested. I mean, I should tested."

"Naw, you were right. We'll get tested together."

Patrick nodded. "Um, okay."

"Did I just upset you?" She turned to face Patrick.

"No. You're absolutely right."

Silence.

"Uh, I really hate asking, but um, please, please, please tell me you never ate her pussy."

Patrick looked over at Ari sheepishly.

"You did?"

Patrick nodded. "Sorry."

"Eeew!" Ari wiped her mouth. "Dem lips been on her lips? Uhhh!"

"Ari, calm down. That was a while ago."

"Now you really need to get tested." She turned out the lamp.

"So what? Now you won't talk to me?"

"I will. But I ain't kissing you."

"You already did!"

"True. Good night, Ricky."

"Well, you're still calling me Ricky. Is that any kind of hope?"

"Good night, Ricky."

Patrick turned off his lamp. Guess it was a 'maybe.'

---

"So when can I expect to score some more from you? I mean, I've been weedless for, like, a week!" Joe followed Jamal, who throwing things into his SUV.

"Look Joe, I'm sorry, but I can't supply you no more. Cops is watchin' me, and . . . I just can't!" He slammed the trunk door down.

"Jamal, you gotta help me." Joe stood and watched as Jamal rested his hands on the trunk. He turned to Joe. "Joe, I really wish you'd stop ridin' my dick over this whole weed thing. I can't supply you at the moment. Go find someone else."

Joe frowned. "I can't! Man, I'm fucking desperate!"

Jamal laughed. "I can see that." He went back into his house to grab his final suitcase.

"Look man, just tell me why you can't. I-"

"JOE! Dude, calm yo ass down! I can't supply you. That's it. Point over." He threw the suitcase into the passenger section of his truck and closed the door. Then, he got into his truck.

"Sorry man, but I can't help you out. I'll see you some other time." He turned on the ignition and then sped off.

Joe sighed. "Fuck you, too." Joe mumbled underneath his breath. What was he going to do without ganja?

He got back into his car and prepared to live life without the green. Oh, the green! The precious weed.

---

"Alright. Are you ready?" Patrick turned to Ari, who was smiling, anticipating the drop. Finally, they made it to Six Flags, where Ari had been wanting to go for the longest. Patrick had even been able to shut down the whole place so they could have fun in private.

"I'm ready! I think! Oh, shit." She looked ahead. The drop was nearing.

Patrick grabbed her hand, but Ari jerked away.

"I ain't scared! I love rollercoasters." She smiled.

"Damn it, Ree Ree, it's romantic!" Patrick laughed to himself.

"I know." Here comes the drop.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!" They both screamed bloody murder. Then, the ride sent them through all sorts of twists, plunges, upside-down moments, and turns. It was so fun. After the minute-and-a-half of bliss was over, the ride had ended. The crew guy undid the seats, and Patrick helped Ari out of her seat.

"That was too fun." She and Patrick walked, looking for something else to get into. Seemed like they'd rode the whole park up to this point, and had gotten on at least three rides twice.

"Funnel cake! Funnel cake!" She pointed to the funnel cake stand.

"Now! Come on!" She grabbed Patrick roughly and led him to the funnel cake stand.

......................

"This is so good." Patrick stuffed his face with funnel cake and ice cream.

Ari licked her fingers of the powdered sugar that had gotten on them. "Yes, it is. Oooh, I'm finna gain about twenty pounds after this, but I don't care." She laughed.

Patrick smiled. She was so cute when she was happy.

"Hmm, you want some?" Ari licked the powdered sugar from her fingers scooped a piece of funnel cake and ice cream onto her plastic fork.

Patrick opened his mouth, and Ari slid the spoon in.

"Nice." He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"I see you're channeling your inner Negro in that outfit, Ricky."

Patrick looked down. "Oh, this? Yeah. I walked into Man Alive, and came out looking like this." He pointed to his shirt.

Ari laughed. "And those baggy jeans and the black BAPEs. Nice." She nodded.

"Thanks. Hey, I wanna take you shopping when we're done here."

"Oh, cool. I ain't been shoppin' in a while." She opened her mouth, for Patrick was about to feed her.

"Open up wide." He slid the spoon in. Ari licked her lips. "That is delicioso for real."

Patrick prepared to give her another taste, but he kept retracting the food.

"Dude, come on! You know I don't play when it come to food!"

Patrick laughed. "Alright." He got up, but kept doing it until he was face to face with Ari. Whenever Ari got close enough to the spoon, he leaned in closer to her face so he could end up kissing her.

"Patrick, stop playin' with me." He did it again, and then he ended up kissing her.

"You play too much." Ari snatched the spoon from his hand, and some of the cake had gotten on her chest.

"Damn it." She reached for a napkin, but freaky Patrick comes in and eats it off her chest.

"Patrick!" She laughed, because he tickled her.

"Hmm. Tastes better on you." He purred.

Ari was getting more shocked-and turned on-by the moment. Since when did Patrick become a hornball?

"You surprise me, P." She wiped off the remaining stuff on her chest.

"So do you." He finished off his funnel cake and threw his and Ari's stuff away.

"Come on. We should ride Raging Bull again, and then Deja Vu." Patrick waited for Ari to come.

..............................

"Okay. How does this one look?" Ari showed Patrick a potential outfit to be purchased; white button-up with diamond buttons, and a cute grey plaid miniskirt that showed off just enough leg.

Patrick smiled to himself. "Sexy. And it shows a little bit of your stomach." He grabbed a bit of her meat.

"Yeah, that's hanging a bit. I don't know if I should wear it."

"Wear it! Who cares.? You'd look hot. And keep the skirt. It shows your legs."

"I got some big ass legs." She looked at herself in the mirror.

"Yeah, but they're sexy." He put his hands on her shoulders and watched Ari watch herself in the mirror.

"I don't know." She sighed in frustration.

"Keep it. Just pull the shirt down some if you don't want all the skin to be showing."

Ari smiled. "Whatever." She put on her regular clothes and then left the room.

"I'll just pay for this." She carried all of her clothes to the counter.

Patrick, being the observant one, looked around. Nobody outside. Seemed like sunny Chicago was dead for a change. Where was everybody?

"Thank you." Ari grabbed her shopping bags, and then put on her sunglasses. When Patrick and Ari stepped outside of the store, eight paparazzi swarmed.

"Patrick, is it true that you are dating the hottest figure in African-American entertainment?"

"Ari, is it true that you dumped T.I. for the lead singer of Fall Out Boy?"

"Ms. Johnson, were you the cause of Patrick and Paris's split?"

"Do you know Ms. Hilton personally? Was she a good fuck?"

Ari and Patrick were taken by surprise, but no questions were answered. They tried their hardest to look like they weren't together at all. Patrick didn't even bother to open the door for her. He just went along his business like they were just cool.

They had a hard time getting out because three more shutterbugs came along.

"MR. STUMP, DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT STEAL PARIS AWAY FROM PETE?"

"MS. JOHNSON, ARE YOU AND MR. STUMP DATING?"

Ari tried to not to show any emotion until the truck was away from the madness, when it was, she sighed a breath of relief.

"Wow. Now everyone is gonna think we're together." Ari turned to Patrick.

"Yeah. They're gonna show pictures of us holding hands and flirting and whatnot. By the way, I didn't open the door because-"

"I know. I know." Ari and Patrick were silent for a good minute.

"Well um, I guess we already know we ain't gonna tell 'em anything." Ari said.

Patrick nodded. "Of course."

"And ain't you glad the tests came back negative for both of us?"

Patrick nodded. "Of course." They'd taken the tests a day before. Everything was fine. Thank God.

"Well, let's just go somewhere where nobody knows us." Patrick laughed.

"I'm down with that." Ari smiled.

---

"Why the hell did you have to wear that damn eyeliner? I said this was a classy affair, Pete." Beyonce was going off on Pete, but in a whispering way. They were seated together, and not a lot of people had sat down yet, so no one would see a falling out.

"Because I wanted to. Why the hell did you put ten more pounds of weave into your head before we left?" He smacked her hair.

Beyonce frowned. "Not here, Pete." She nervously took a sip of her red wine.

"Hey, you started it. I didn't have to come. Remember that."

"Pete, shut the fuck up." She swung her hair out of her face.

"No, you shut the fuck up." He challenged her.

Beyonce faced him. "Boy, I will-"

"What? What will you do? Hit me with the glass? I've been bottled before, so it won't hurt."

Beyonce frowned. Uhh! She hated Pete sometimes.

Pete was ready to bail, but he couldn't. That'd make him look like an A-hole.

"I'm ashamed to have walked down that red carpet with you."

"Fuck you, Beyonce." Pete was mad, so he knocked his glass over.

"No, fuck you, Peter. Gay ass lookin' mafucka."

"At least I don't look like the Cowardly Lion." He almost laughed at that one.

Beyonce laughed. "Very funny, Pete. Very funny. Gee, could them damn jeans-hold up. Them is MY jeans. What the fuck are you doing going through my stuff? And how could you fit them?"

Pete said, "Maybe they shrunk because they couldn't fit your huge ass anymore?"

"Whatchu tryna say?"

"I'm saying you're totally fat."

Beyonce stood up, and then Pete stood up, and then they got into it. It was actually funny. So Ike and Tina.

People began watching, and then, all of a sudden, Beyonce slapped Pete! Hard. There was red mark on his face. Pete slapped Beyonce.

"Hey, you can't slap me!"

"I just did. Do something." He challenged her again.

Beyonce, unable to find any other weapons, took off her shoe and started hitting Pete with it. Man, this was hilarious! A bunch of homosexual slurs and taunts against too much hair. Hilarious!

They were both on the floor, all over each other, Beyonce seemingly trying to get the heel in his eye. After a minute, locked in a grip, they both let go and started laughing. And then these crazy mafuckas started making out! Incredible.

"I fuckin' hate you." Beyonce kissed Pete.

Pete laughed. "You're a fat bitch." He kissed her hard.

Some reporter lady came to the scene. "Yes, ladies and gents! Finally a good article for Alloy! magazine. Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy and Beyonce Knowles were just in a brutal fight. Glasses shattering and insults hurled! But now, the two are-incredibly-making out! They were fighting just a few minutes ago. Fashion report: Beyonce is wearing a red mini-dress with a black bow in the back and Pete is wearing what appears to be girl's jeans-maybe Sevens-with a tuxedo jacket and a shirt that says the word SANTI underneath. No clue what that means."

The two kept making up. Then, Beyonce knocked Pete out of his daydream.

"Pete! I said this is my sister, Solange."

Pete's eyes opened. "Oh! Hi, Solange." He outreached his hand.

Solange shook it. "Hey, Pete. I like Fall Out Boy. Y'all make good music."

Pete nodded. "Thanks."

Beyonce and Solange walked over to Kelly, while Pete met up with Ne-Yo.

............................

"He looks gay." Solange had her hands on her hips.

Beyonce shook her head. "Just because he's wearing eyeliner? He ain't gay. And he loves me."

Solange blinked about three times. "Yeah. The boy wears makeup, and his jeans are too tight. What is he gonna give you? Besides, I heard he went with that trick Lindsay Lohan."

Beyonce laughed. "What's wrong with her?"

Kelly frowned. "Wait. You with him?" Kelly pointed to the short guy talking to Ne-Yo.

"Who?" Beyonce asked.

"The one talking to Ne-Yo."

Beyonce nodded. "Yeah. Y'all, please don't drill me on this."

"Look, I understand you must be feeling real bad about Shawn, but this guy don't do you no justice. Look at him. He's such a fag." Solange said.

Beyonce was getting mad. Yes, Pete was a little effeminate, but did that necessarily mean he was gay? He was a good fuck. Did that count?

Beyonce grabbed her clutch and stormed away.

"Beyonce, I'm sorry!" Solange followed her sister. Kelly stayed put.

.........................

"I'm sorry. I just, why him? Out of everyone, why him?"

"Solange, that's my man. Now please don't make me feel even worse about what's going on than I already do." She left the bathroom in search of Pete.

When she found him, Pete went up to her.

"Ready to go?"

Beyonce nodded. "Very. Let's bounce."

---